This morning, I sat down at my archaic, extremely slow computer, and the headline on my morning news update page said “Stimulus money to be seen on everyone’s paycheck this month!” Yes! It’s about damn time! Since I make $8 an hour as a waitress at the Huki Lounge, I am definitely looking forward to some external stimuli!

I also thought that I would help a fellow Mama out, and recommend some items that are on my must-have list, for when they are in receipt of some additional stimuli themselves! ! A few of my can’t live without favorites:

Stripilates: this is a real “kill two birds with one stone” zinger here- a workout DVD, plus a little eye-candy for the Hubby all in one! It’s hard not to laugh out loud while doing this one, but the moves they use are not only real pilates moves, but they are also real stripper moves! That way, if this year’s stimulus package is not satisfying to you, you can always earn some extra cash once you’ve perfected some of these moves! My fave exercise on this little gem is “the Flirt”- hilarious!

Hanky Panky Panties-

 These panties do not show under anything! They don’t cut into your hip, making that lovely “sausage casing” look, and they don’t ride up into places that synthetic lace fabric should not be crawling up into! They are sassy, comfy, stretchy, and can be made even sexier by cutting a 1/4″ by 3″ slice in the crotch- voila! Crotchless!

Petal Tops Nipple Covers:

Brilliant! You can wear any sundress, strappy sexy top, or tank top without having your headlights at fullbeam! I buy these things in bulk since I hate wearing a bra, and love to wear skimpy, slutty tops when I go out, but never have to worry about nipple show-through! Backless, strapless- you name it- you can get away with it in these babies! Just make sure to peel them off of your skin slowly, so they don’t leave behind a floral-shaped red mark over your nipples (I speak from experience)!

Enjoy being stimulated!

I jsut got back from the park with my kids and have made an observation that almost every single mom at Central Park has the same chin-length, a-line,  partially grown-out Posh Spice bob that was so rockin’ last year, but is it over? People Magazine says “the assymetrical bob is SO 2008, the cut for 2009 is the “Lob” or long bob!” Do I want to rock a “lob”? For some reason, that doesn’t sound super sexy to me…at least on me…when I see Christina Applegate with a lob, it looks hot!

So, I logged onto my best friend’s beauty blog to see what she had to say, since she is the queen of all things trendy and beautiful, and I did see a couple of cute cuts that resembled edgier grown-out bobs than the cookie-cutter copy-cat ones I saw today at the park.

With my hair appointment in a week, and with an immense fear of having “mom hair”, I’m open to any suggestions and comments! What do you think is the best hair trend for ’09? So you can see what I’m talking about- here is me not-so-rockin’ the 2008 “mom-bob”….

Now that the weather is nicer, and I’ve received my third issue of the Victoria’s Secret Swim ’09 catalog, that with every turned page reminds my pasty-pale, flabby ass that I need to get in gear from summer, I have sought out a few sunless tanning products to share with my fellow goddesses!

First, if I may step on my soapbox for just a quick second…please always use sunscreen with an SPF of 15 or higher, and don’t tan in the tanning booth. I used to be a die-hard, fry my ass ’til it was brown as a berry every summer type of gal, until my sister-in-law was diagnosed with early signs of skin cancer. In addition, one of my dear friends had lost her sister to skin cancer the year before. It is just NOT worth it, ladies. I know it makes you look 10 lbs. thinner and all that jazz, but with the plethora of products out there to give you the same look without the risk, it’s a better route to go. Skin cancer aside, who the hell wants to look like a wrinkled up old prune when they’re 60? Not me- sunless is the way to go!

I digress…

Option one is the Mystic Tanning booth. There are tanning salons all over the country that offer this service, it costs around $20, and it’s a very quick spray application in a tanning booth. The very first time I tried it, I half-ass listened to all of the instructions, and didn’t apply the “barrier lotion” (lotion to keep the tanning solution off of places like the palms of your hands, nails, etc.) exceptionally well, and ended up with brown palms and nail beds and brown soles of my feet- I looked like a little kid who played in mud all day! Also, a note to the easily startled- even though I knew what was coming, the coldness of the tanning solution spraying out of the sprayers with a noise like a sonic jet flying over head scared the living daylights out of me the first time- I think I might have peed a little on the floor inside the booth (don’t worry about getting my same booth, they are sprayed after every customer with antiseptic solution…supposedly). My advice is to wear earplugs- that’s what I do. Also- take your time applying the barrier lotion- I even go over my nails, palms, and soles of my feet twice, just to avoid the dirty hands and feet look that I sported for about a week after my first session! If you follow all of the rules, and you don’t get startled and pee down your leg (which causes streaks- trust me on that one)- you will have an even, gorgeous, glowing tan that will last about a week!

A less expensive, budget friendly way to bronze is to try a bottle of sunless tanner from the drugstore. I have tried them all, and my reigning favorite over the past several years is Loreal Sublime Microfiber Mist. This stuff is basically sunless tanning for Dummies! It is an aerosol spray that even sprays upside down for reaching your calves and back, it dries super fast, and gives a nice golden, not orangey color. One small caveat is the smell- it goes on smelling decent, but after a couple of hours, when the “tan” is developing, the chemicals that cause the tan color make your skin smell a little bit rank. What I do, is put it on about an hour before I go to bed, on a night that I know the next day is when I’m going to change the sheets. That way, I wake up to a gorgeous tan, shower off the smell, and change the sheets. The Husband bitches about this procedure once in a while, tells me how much he doesn’t like “that weired chemical smell”, but after about 3 minutes, he falls asleep anyway, and I still get to wake up with a no-fuss, no-mess bronzed body! It’s a win-win!