Now that the weather is nicer, and I’ve received my third issue of the Victoria’s Secret Swim ’09 catalog, that with every turned page reminds my pasty-pale, flabby ass that I need to get in gear from summer, I have sought out a few sunless tanning products to share with my fellow goddesses!

First, if I may step on my soapbox for just a quick second…please always use sunscreen with an SPF of 15 or higher, and don’t tan in the tanning booth. I used to be a die-hard, fry my ass ’til it was brown as a berry every summer type of gal, until my sister-in-law was diagnosed with early signs of skin cancer. In addition, one of my dear friends had lost her sister to skin cancer the year before. It is just NOT worth it, ladies. I know it makes you look 10 lbs. thinner and all that jazz, but with the plethora of products out there to give you the same look without the risk, it’s a better route to go. Skin cancer aside, who the hell wants to look like a wrinkled up old prune when they’re 60? Not me- sunless is the way to go!

I digress…

Option one is the Mystic Tanning booth. There are tanning salons all over the country that offer this service, it costs around $20, and it’s a very quick spray application in a tanning booth. The very first time I tried it, I half-ass listened to all of the instructions, and didn’t apply the “barrier lotion” (lotion to keep the tanning solution off of places like the palms of your hands, nails, etc.) exceptionally well, and ended up with brown palms and nail beds and brown soles of my feet- I looked like a little kid who played in mud all day! Also, a note to the easily startled- even though I knew what was coming, the coldness of the tanning solution spraying out of the sprayers with a noise like a sonic jet flying over head scared the living daylights out of me the first time- I think I might have peed a little on the floor inside the booth (don’t worry about getting my same booth, they are sprayed after every customer with antiseptic solution…supposedly). My advice is to wear earplugs- that’s what I do. Also- take your time applying the barrier lotion- I even go over my nails, palms, and soles of my feet twice, just to avoid the dirty hands and feet look that I sported for about a week after my first session! If you follow all of the rules, and you don’t get startled and pee down your leg (which causes streaks- trust me on that one)- you will have an even, gorgeous, glowing tan that will last about a week!

A less expensive, budget friendly way to bronze is to try a bottle of sunless tanner from the drugstore. I have tried them all, and my reigning favorite over the past several years is Loreal Sublime Microfiber Mist. This stuff is basically sunless tanning for Dummies! It is an aerosol spray that even sprays upside down for reaching your calves and back, it dries super fast, and gives a nice golden, not orangey color. One small caveat is the smell- it goes on smelling decent, but after a couple of hours, when the “tan” is developing, the chemicals that cause the tan color make your skin smell a little bit rank. What I do, is put it on about an hour before I go to bed, on a night that I know the next day is when I’m going to change the sheets. That way, I wake up to a gorgeous tan, shower off the smell, and change the sheets. The Husband bitches about this procedure once in a while, tells me how much he doesn’t like “that weired chemical smell”, but after about 3 minutes, he falls asleep anyway, and I still get to wake up with a no-fuss, no-mess bronzed body! It’s a win-win!