When all of us ladies get together, we chat about whining kids, annoying husbands, moody friends, and yes, sex (well at least those of us that didn’t trade in our sex organs for a baby bundle at the hospital). I know that being sexy/sassy/naughty isn’t for everyone, but it is for me!

Therefore, in an effort to help out my fellow mom/friend/woman, I have to recommend to you something that is such an  incredibly fabulous addition to the female arsenal of sexual trinkets: Dream Lotus Stimulating Gel by Kama Sutra. I bought this for the first time about three years ago, because I read some good review about it, and I thought, hey, why not? I have tried many products promising to provide stimulation and arousal, but nothing has worked like this one! Remember- just a little dab’ll do ya, and this is not meant for “lube”- it’s just a tiny drop on the “top”. Try it once- you’ll see what I mean! That’s as much as I can say without getting too raunchy, but single ladies or married lady- you’re sure to love this little sidekick!

One day, my girlfriend and fellow domestic goddess, Amber and I were talking about the Octo-mom, and I explained to her that during the whole Dateline interview a few weeks ago, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her freshly manicured pink and white acrylic nails! Amber agreed, and said that she thought the same thing, and we went on to discuss how a woman on foodstamps and welfare with 14 kids, who had just given birth less than a week ago would have the time and money to have acrylic nails put on?!?

This especially hit a nerve with me, since financially, we have been strained like everyone else, I had just given up my bi-monthly trips to the manicurist, and missed my little treat to myself, then here’s this broad on T.V. with 14 kids and not a cent to her name with beautifully french manicured nails! I even had nightmares about this crazy Octo-mom going into the nursery and gluing all of these little fake pink and white nails on each of her little babies- it was horrible!

So, to cheer me up, my sweet girlfriend, who is also my blogging mentor and author of beautyjunkiesunite.com, sent me some samples of products that she thought would make me laugh. So, I get home from work around 11:00 on a Saturday night to find a little white box on my doorstep. I open it, to find a note from Amber that jokingly says, “With this you will piss off Momsclub and make Octo-mom jealous all at the same time!” And under the note in the box were the tiniest little fake press-on nails that were made for little girls, and were french-manicured and airbrushed with glitter and hot pink hawaiian flowers! What??? They really make these? I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants (note to self- do more kegels please!), and checked out the little teeny tiny nails, thinking to myself how much my daughter would get a kick out of them, and how much some moms I know would think I’ve gone off of the deep end if I let my kid wear fake nails! She also sent me some really cool stick-on nail polish so that I’d feel better about not being able to get manicures myself! Now that’s a good friend!

So, the next morning, when my daughter woke up, I showed her the little presents that Amber had sent us, and she started jumping up and down exclaiming, “Please put them on, Mom!” So, I made my little girls day and in true Octo-mom style, sat for 20 minutes and put fake nails on my kid’s grimy little fingers. They are just press-on, rest assured any moms who’s blood pressure is raising at the thought of this, I didn’t put real nail glue on her hands! She was thrilled with her beautiful nails, which actually stayed on for a couple of hours, until she went to the bathroom and washed her hands, then two of them fell off in the sink, and my kid had a huge meltdown in the bathroom at Denny’s.

All in all, the nails were fun, safe, non-toxic, my daughter was thrilled, I got a laugh and a few looks from some disapproving moms at the grocery store, and created a special memory for my daughter that she will always think of how cool her mom was for letting her wear fake nails!

You have to be really creative if you want a “spicy” marriage- especially once you have kids! With that in mind, my dear friends, I present to you, “the Kama Sutra Game“- a game for lovers on their journey to ecstasy!” Now, THAT is spicy!

My “journey to ecstasy” all began one morning when I was drinking my coffee, shopping online for a new Scrabble game, since we had worn out the old one, and the kids lost the “K” and “W” tiles. We definitely need a touch of spice if we were wearing out Scrabble games!  So, as I’m comparison shopping for the cheapest, yet most portable Scrabble game, my attention is diverted to a column that says “Games for lovers”…hmmmm….my mind pictures dice that I was given at a bachelorette party that you roll to see if you “kiss”, “suck”, “nibble”, etc. No, what I came  across was sophisticated, classy, and promised to heighten our sex life and bring eachother closer on the most intimate levels…now who wouldn’t want that? So, I order the Kama  Sutra game, and a travel Scrabble game (such a dichotomy, I’m well aware), and patiently wait three days for my little package to arrive and take me and the Husband to the highest level of closeness, intimacy and ecstasy!

So, the game arrives in it’s discreet, nondescript little brown packaging, and I gingerly unwrap it, and stare at the box with the intertwined figures,  and proceed to tuck it up in my closet until later, after the kids are in bed. So, after dinner, my anticipation is killing me, so we put the kids to bed a half-hour early, I go put on some lipstick, a sassy nighty, spray a tad of perfume, and nearly break my neck climbing on one of the kid’s chairs to reach the hidden jewel, the Kama Sutra Game at the top of my closet.

I bring it into the living room, where my husbands in his flannel pajama pants, t-shirt and white tube socks (his version of a sexy nighty), set it on the floor, light some candles, and I’m ready to begin the journey to ecstacy! This game really is a board game, so I unfold it, and place the two little markers at the beginning of the game, and I roll the dice!  My heart is rapidly beating, as I anticipate the instructions that will bring the Husband and I closer than we ever imagined! The dice shows a three, so I move my marker three spaces to a space that tells me to chose a card…I flip over the card, toss a flirty look to the Husband, and it says, “Go to the kitchen, and chose three different foods that you would like to share, taking turns, sensuously feeding your lover.” WHAT!?! That is not sexy! That is not my idea of ecstasy, feeding the Husband three different foods- that sounds like what I do every single waking day of my life as a stay-home mom! The last damn place I feel sexy is in the kitchen, feeding people food! So, I decide to “skip” that card, but leave my marker, since I want my marker to finish the game first, ’cause then I win!

The Husband’s turn- he rolls a seven (dammit)….”Kiss your lover passionately and deeply, then pick a card and follow the instructions”….now we’re talkin’! So after a nice kiss, he grabs a card, and reads aloud “If your private parts could speak to  your lover, what would it tell them?” Are you freaking kidding me???? After I get over the hilarious thought of a speaking penis, we both laugh a little, decide to “skip” again, and now it’s my turn. I roll a nine- yes! My space reads, “Switch markers with your lover, begin playing from their space, and pick a card.” What the hell!?! I am a very competitive person by nature- I love to win- at Scrabble, Rummy, in general- I want to win and I like getting my way- so telling me to switch places, when I’m ahead in the game certainly doesn’t heighten my arousal, bring me anywhere near the path to ecstacy, and really pisses me off! After rolling my eyes, I switch markers, and see an eveil glint of happiness in the Husband’s eye, (who also loves to win), and I pick a card. The card instructs me to read aloud, “Today while I was thinking about you, I so much wanted to be next to you…to share a night of pleasures. Please be with me on this journey to ecstacy.” Not only can I not read this Hallmark drivel aloud, I can’t even get past the ridiculousness of it! This is so lame! Where is the spice? Where is the fire? Where is the ecstacy- this is B.S.!

In defense of the game, if you are a more patient person, and you don’t have kids, and you have endless hours to sit on the floor with your husband who happens to have a talking penis, this might be the game for you. Also, if you happen to be a contortionist in the circus, you might find the “Position Cards” exceptionally erotic. The game also has spaces where you land on “Position Cards” to chose from. The cards are supposed to teach you new “lovemaking positions”, but to me they looked more like an instructional guide for a circus acrobat. For example, Position #33: “He lies on his side with one leg flat and one leg bent. She lies on her side, putting one leg over his flat leg and raising one leg over his bent leg. Use your hands to add support and pleasure to this experience.” First of all, I hate following instructions- seldom read them- I like to do it MY way. I definitely hate following instructions for an insane, pretzel like, legs intertwined and circulation being cut off sexual position, especially after having to move my marker back to the beginning of the game!

In a huff, I threw the stack of cards into the box, folded up the board, and crammed the lid on top of the box. I was so over it! There I sat in my sexy nighty, pouting, drinking a glass of wine, and watched the news while the Husband fell asleep in his recliner. A very small step on the journey to ecstacy….