I think my daughter may grow up to be one of those people that you see on the Dr. Phil show that you go into their house and there are piles and piles of crap to walk through, and past and over. I spent the day cleaning my house on Friday, because my fabulously thoughtful parents called and offered to take my kids for a few hours. My Mom called and said, “hey- we have the day off today, we could all go do something together, or we could just take the kids off your hands for a few hours….” Mom- twist my arm!!!! Are you kidding? Please come take my crazy-ass kids for a few hours! So she did, and though I would have rather spent three hours getting a pedicure, eating sushi, and shopping, I was a good little wifey-poo and cleaned the house. I pretty much keep a decently clean house, but I only “deep clean” (scrubbing of walls, bathrooms, carpets, etc.) about once a month.

I began in the family room, which by far, is the most used room of all. Business as usual- picked up toys, dusted furniture, and so on, until I get to the back of the recliner. Behind the recliner, I have found a rats nest of my daughter’s crap- it’s her little hiding spot to get into things she is not supposed to be having. And since it is behind the recliner in the corner of the room, I don’t see it on a regular basis. Here is what I found:

• a Post-it pen highlighter that I use when I’m reading important shit that I need to remember, with all of the little Post-Its pulled out of it and stuck into various shapes on the wall.
• Three string-cheese wrappers
• A banana peel
• Two baby-wipes (unused, hopefully)
• A few original highlighter drawings that are tagged by my daughter with only the first two letters of her name (to retain her anonymity, I suppose)
• The cup-padding of one of my sports bras, filled with tortilla chips (this really pissed me off- I’ve been going to the gym all week with lopsided boobs, because I couldn’t find the other padded cup to my sports bra, and God knows after two kids, I need all the help I can get)!

So, once I got the family room done, I moved onto my daughters’ room. In one child’s room, hidden in various corners, nooks, hiding spots and alcoves, I found:

• Four sippy cups- two with lids, two without- no sign of the lids anywhere.
• Three lids to Tupperware containers (no bottoms, just lids- bizzarre)
• A babydoll with a real bay’s pacifier Scotch-taped to the babydolls’ mouth.
• A pile of clothes, with a wadded up pair of (gross) underwear that looked to be a pee-pee accident that she was trying to cover up.
• More of my daughters grafitti, with only the first two letters of her name.
• An empty tube of diaper cream……

I knew when I found the empty tube of diaper cream, that was only a clue to what impending disaster I was sure to find lurking in some quiet, remote corner of the house. Then I saw it…on the wall behind the head of her bed, and to the side of her dresser, a carpet full of white diaper cream, little tiny diaper cream handprints artfully pasted all over the walls, the back of the headboard of her bed, and the side of the dresser. And just to claim her masterful artwork, a tiny “Av” was scrawled over one diaper cream handprint with (of course) pink highlighter.

After several hours of scrubbing, cleaning, and scouring, my parents returned home with my kids. Though I initially saw red when I saw all of the damage and discord  my daughter had caused, I tried to tell myself that someday, I will miss all of the little piles of crap everywhere, and the tiny handprints on the walls, and the “Av” graffiti on the walls. I love my slightly crazy daughter to pieces, but, I will always secretly worry about watching her on the Dr. Phil show one day, little piles of crap surrounding her and her eleven cats, on a show discussing individuals with hoarding compulsions!