I would like to introduce you all to Allison Randall, a beautiful and talented Mama and dear friend, who I am honored to have contribute to Kicked Out of Moms Club. Below, is her review of Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace
by Ayelet Waldman:
When I went to Rakestraw Books in Danville a couple weeks ago to hear Ayelet Waldman read from her new book Bad Mother- A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace (a title here on out referred to simply as Bad Mother; which is quite different from bad motherf—er, an accolade I’ve never understood) I expected someone up-front, out-spoken and quick-to-the-wit. She is all that, plus a hundred and times ten. She’s also bi-polar, as she explores in her essay from Bad Mother, entitled ‘Legacy’, and that will give you a bonafide excuse for just about anything. But she doesn’t really need it- she’s that smart and that good, and the diagnosed mental illness may only make her more prolific. Her wit and deep understanding of mothers’ nature has gotten her off the hook (and straight onto the New York Times Bestseller List) for what many have perceived as the ultimate maternal crime: making her children’s lives public.
Before the publication of Bad Mother, Ayelet (quite ironically pronounced, ‘I Yell It’) Waldman was best known as the reigning queen of bad mothers (not in a good way, as in bad motherf—ers) for confessing in an essay for the New York Times style section to “loving her husband more than her children.” My first thought in response to this confession is, well yes, Ayelet, you’re married to Pulitzer Prize winning author, Michael Chabon. Women want him for his brain. But I digress. This quote, as many taken-out-of-context quotes can do, sparked a wildfire of controversy, placing her on the list with Hollywood superstars, talk-show hosts and the one at the top- God. It landed her a spot on Oprah and inspired women, with all their estrogen-fueled -female cattiness, to decry her as evil, neglectful and the worthy recipient of a few thousand virtual (and of course, anonymous) bitch-slaps. As if, in her statement of loving her husband (sexually! still!?) she was making the absurdly hypothetical choice of who to put in the proverbial lifeboat.
This debacle makes it into several of the essays in Bad Mother, but by no means is it the overriding, or most interesting, topic. Waldman’s book is not a how-to on parenting, or mothering, or really a commentary on good or bad technique, but raw insight into issues we don’t often discuss, such as the scandalous question- ‘Will my daughter be a teenage slut?’ as she discusses in her essay, ‘Sexy Witches and Cereal Boxes’; or the topic of husband and wife housework equality in ‘Free to Be You and I’, in which she discusses the new discovery of ‘chore-play’ or “There is nothing sexier to a woman with children than a man holding a Swiffer.” She covers a full range of topics that relate to people who fit one or more of the following (but by no means conclusive) categories: stay-at-home/work-at-home, working, Berkeley, former New York City resident, Jewish mother. Needless to say, we can all find something in there, especially if we live in the Bay Area.
Commentary on the Berkeley vibe of attachment parenting and general birthing and mothering au natural oozes here and there throughout many of the essays, eliciting criticism and occasional praise, especially the essay entitled ‘Breast is Best’, which chronicles her struggle to breastfeed her fourth child who was born with a palate abnormality. She relates the intense pressure she is under to breastfeed her son after he nearly starves because of his inability to suckle properly. It is an examination of the societal mother/peer pressure, especially in a place like Berkeley, and the way in which a mother, regardless of where she resides, will sacrifice essentials like sleep and sanity to ensure that her child thrives.
Many of the essays in Bad Mother will make you chuckle and some will make you cringe, not so much in shock of some of Waldman’s professed ‘crimes’, but perhaps how much we can relate to some of our own self-inflicted mental punishments. One essay in particular, however, will make you cry. Waldman writes honestly and bravely of her family’s heartbreak upon discovering that the child with whom she was pregnant was at high risk for abnormalities in the essay ‘Rocketship.’ Pro-choice politics aside, she writes lucidly about the pain and agony of such a decision to continue or discontinue a life in the womb. It is Waldman at her most stripped-down and raw, without the sardonic wit or made-to-shock honesty.
Bad Mother is a book for all mothers, good ones, bad ones, college educated and not, stay-at-home or work-too-much mothers and all the ones in between. It is the perfect book for anyone, mother or not, who has felt judged or judged themselves too harshly. It is for mothers who strive for perfection and fall short. As mothers, isn’t it time we give ourselves a break? Best of all, Waldman’s book is a wonderful exploration, just like the adventure of mothering. So relax, enjoy Bad Mother and enjoy being a neither good nor bad mother, but just being Mom.
By Allison Randall
