I’ve always heard other mothers talk about this, but always thought, “Pffft. That will never happen to me.” It did. I was standing in line at Starbuck’s on my way to work last night, getting my usual pick-me-up, a nonfat sugarfree vanilla latte, and out of now where came this SNEEZE! It snuck up on me before I could even get my hand up to my mouth, and out it came!

In light of the sudden Swine Flu epidemic, you would think that my first reaction would have been to apologize to the man in front of me in line, who’s leather jacket was very likely wearing microscopic drops of my nasal fluid, but no- I had bigger fish to fry. MY PANTS WERE WET! In the five years that I have been a mother, I have heard countless stories of this happening to other women, but I always thought that it would never happen to me! I work out, I’m in good shape, I’m a dancer….I’ll never have weak PC muscles! But, when I really thought about it, my PC muscles don’t work out, my perrineum does not belly dance- they are both out of shape! Now, what was I going to do? I’m standing in line to order my coffee, I’ve just sneezed all over some guy in front of me (thakfully he’s talking on his bluetooth, and didn’t even notice the whole demoralizing event), and I can still feel my pants getting more damp with pee- thank God they’re black! Then I start to panic- what if I had been wearing jeans, or even worse- a dress! I’d be standing here right now with pee visibly running down my leg! I should be thinking about how I’m supposed to be at work in seven minutes, and I didn’t really have time to stop for coffee in the first place, but needed it so I wouldn’t fall asleep while walking with three plates of blackened, crab-stuffed salmon, and now I have pee in and down half a leg of my pants!

I run past my house, change real quick,  I’m 12 minutes late to work, “Sorry I’m late, the Husband forgot I was working tonight, ran an errand after work, I left the second he got in the door….”, and finish out my night at work, without letting a minute go by without thinking of how I was going to fix this problem. That night, I dreamt of shopping in the “incontinence” aisle of my neighborhood Safeway, with my Grandfather on his scooter next to me, telling me which diaper he thought was the least expensive, but most absorbent, since he’s the expert on incontinence, as the hot checker named “Zach” happens to walk by and ask if we need anything, and I blush and say coyly, “No, Zach- so sweet of you to ask though, just helping my Grandfather do his sho……aaaaaa…..aaaaah….chooo!” as pee gushes all over the floor and in a puddle at hot Zach’s feet. I need to call my doctor about this…and perhaps may need some anti-psychotic medication while she’s at it!

My doctor makes an appointment for me the next day (after some very exxaggerated claims about my newfound incontinence “yes, appointment lady, it is causing a disturbance in my life, yes, I can come tomorrow, no, no sharp pain in my abdomen, fever? Perhaps, I’m not sure- can I just come in?”). My doctor walks in, asks me to grab a seat, and with a sweet smile says, “Kristin, this happens to virtually every woman after she’s given birth. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and there is something you can do. It’s called Kegels. Just do them thirty times, three times a day quickly, then hold your last one for a count of eight seconds, getting stronger at the last second, like going up an elevator!” You mean that little paragraph at the end of the “What to Expect” book of blowing sunshine up your ass until you’re convinced you’re “prepared” for giving birth and caring for a screaming newborn was right? Those Kegel things really need to be done? Apparently so, according to my black pee-stained work pants.