Ever since I saw the commercial, with the couple in bed, and the gal with the ginormous smile on her face, and listened to the narration about how this little vial of gel had changed this couples’ sex life- I knew that I was going to have to try it!

So, yesterday, I went to Target, and bought some groceries, eye cream, candles- the usual crap that skyrockets my receipt from the $32 it would have been if I “stuck to the list” to the $141 it is when I leave! And while buying tampons, I realize that the new K-y Brand Intense Arousal Gel For Her  is out on shelves. Being a huge fan of anything that gets me in the mood when I’m trying to switch gears from “Mooooooo-mmmmmmyyyyy” to sexy siren sex goddess, I stuck it in my cart! I’m a cult follower of the previously reviewed Kama Sutra Dream Lotus Stimulating Gel, but that takes a week to order online, and I want instant gratification- so today, we’re trying out the competition.

Get home, make dinner, get the kids to bed, pour a glass of wine, watch a one-hour episode of American Idol in 17 minutes, and switch the station to some sassy music that if it were on the radio, would certainly be hosted by a dude with a real low barritone voice, and he’d be saying, “For all you lovers out there…enjoy this one from Marvin Gaye and keep on gettin’ it on, mmmmmmmm….”

So, I leave the Husband to go “slip into something a little more comfortable”, which translates into contort myself into a contraption with garters and snaps and clips that don’t clip because my daughter found it, and tied one end to her brother’s big wheels, and the other to her bike, and they rode around the backyard tied together with my black and red garter belt, and I let them because I was trying to work and they were leaving me alone. I did wash it…I think. As a final touch, dab a little of the liquid gold that better make my head spin like Regan from the Exorcist for $29 bucks!

So far, not feeling much….I should be focusing on making advances to the Husband, who is trying like hell to stay awake, because by this time it’s 9:42, and he turns into a pumpkin at 10:00, but I am just zoned into whether or not I’ve made the wrong decision in buying this liquid that promises “a unique rush of pleasure, hightening arousal, desire and satisfaction” instead of the cloud soft cotton pajamas that I wanted to buy for myself that would have been a hell of a lot more comfortable than this get-up I’m wearing with broken clips that are poking me.  So far, I am not experiencing the “exquisite, intensified climax” that I’ve been promised.

In the end, it was a little tingly and warm, but nothing to write home about(Not that I recommend writing home about buying $29 KY to have better orgasms). But, if you’re in a rut, and trying something new and a tad tingly will help give you a nudge, then go for it! As for me, I’m going back to my ol’ standby!

Isn’t it strange, how with all of the craziness going along with raising two children, sometimes, our bodies are programmed to still want more? In reality, if I found out I was pregnant right at this very second, I would probably check myself into the closest nuthouse! Yet, for some odd reason, I often find myself with the desire to have a third child…..am I crazy?

Recently, I read a quote from a mother who contributed to the book I Was a Really Good Mom Before I had Kids, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. The mother had said, “When we got married, we both thought we’d have at least three children. I recently sat down with my husband, and we decided that we are not going to have any more kids. It was hard to realize that two is our limit. So many of my friends are having three and four kids, and I’m like, ‘Why is three the new two?’ We decided that we just love eachother too much to have another baby. Since we’ve make that choice, it’s relieved so much pressure.” That saying, has really helped me to make peace with my body, my hormones, and my desire to have a third child. I have been blessed, then blessed with frosting on top, with one of each gender! That is enough to be thankful for!

I wonder if I was just born with some demented, innate desire to just keep on breeding? Why else would I want to subject myself to the strain that a third would definitely put onto my other two kids, our finances, my marriage, and needless to mention, our sex life? Maybe, I subconsciously think that a third baby would give me the opportunity to “do it right”. An opportunity to “enjoy my pregnancy”, to savor every second of  the bliss of having a newborn attached to my body 24-7, and the exhilarating sensation of blistered, bleeding nipples. Maybe I yearn to experience the thrill that it must be to have not only two, but three children screaming and fighting with each other in the backseat while I’m trying to drive in traffic, wagging my hand back and forth, pinching a nerve in my neck as I try to reach one kid, and see through windshield at the same time! That must be it!

Therefore, I have come to terms that I do love my family too much to add another baby to the mix. I love my kids enough to know that we can’t afford a bigger house, a bigger car, or even something as simple as a bigger dining table, to fit a family of five. I am insisting to myself that I do love my family too much to knowingly strain them, by fulfilling my own desire to have another child. I love my two kids too much to spend any more of their time with me, tossing my choices and decisions up in the air like rocks, allowing each one to painstakingly pelt me on top of the head, driving in their guilt and confusion, making me question my sanity.

In all honesty, I praise the mothers who can do it with three or more children. I also admire mothers of twins and other multiples. But, when it really comes down to it, if I had to find a way to feed one more little mouth, or hear one more child tattle on the other, or try to fit one more carseat into the backseat of my already cramped Camry, I think that I would end up writing this blog from Italy, where I would reside in a gutter, and be known as the “Impazzire Signora” which in English translates to “Lady who used to be a brilliant writer and mother until she had three kids and went insane and fled to Italy where she became a homeless, drunken street-rat”, and my blog would have to be changed to “From the bottom of the bottle…”

I guess it’s best to just stick with loving my family enough to be thankful for what I have, instead of wishing for what I don’t! Lesson learned….next on the to-do list, schedule a vasectomy for the Husband…..

When I was pregnant with my daughter (my firstborn), I was obsessed with all things pregnant, birthing and lactating- I read about it, I dreamt about it, I wrote about it, I went to classes for it! I wrote a journal entry almost every day of my 274- day pregnancy….here is an excerpt from one of my journal entries, when I was 36 weeks along:

“Hi, My Sweetheart! I am so anxious to meet you! I have been taking all of the classes- Childbirth Preparation, Breastfeeding, Newborn Care- if it was offered, we took it! You are the perfect baby so far! I had an ultrasound today and the Dr. said that you are the picture of health! You get the hiccups all the time. You look so cute- your hands are so chubby, and you were even sucking your thumb! You were also opening and closing your mouth, which the Dr. said is your way of developing a really strong respiratory system. I’ve been doing yoga and walking every day to prepare my body for natural childbirth. I’ve been eating well and have only gained 27 lbs. I look forward to having the most positive birth experience for both of us- I am so excited to hold you! “

Here is an exerpt from my second child’s journal- actually, it’s not really a journal, it’s just two pieces of printer paper that are written on and stuck in the very back of my daughter’s journal:

“I really hope you come out soon, and that you’re alright, since I drank a glass of wine a few times because being pregnant and chasing after a two-year-old is some cruel punishment. I’ve gained 42 pounds and I have hemorrhoids. I can’t wait to hurry up and not be pregnant, and plan to kiss the anesthesiologist when he walks in the door with my epidural! ”

The empty glass of wine on the table behind me cracks me up!