I truly love my daughter (who is five), but I’m afraid that on a day like today- I am either going to have to lock her in her room, and stick earphones on so that I can’t hear her sassy smart mouth, or “Wine-thirty” is going to have to be moved up a few hours to “Noon is the new happy hour”. I don’t know where she gets it!?! (I know my mom is reading this right now, and smiling very satisfyingly, thinking “payback’s a bitch, aint it”)!

I have never questioned my parenting skills more than I have today- from the minute she woke up this morning, she has been wreaking havoc on me, her brother, and the house. I feel like such an ass for thinking this way, and I try to tell myself that I am very fortunate to have my healthy, strong-willed daughter, when there are parents who have children with cancer, or have lost kids, and would give their life to have just one more second with their child. But, all that only goes so far- when I have a five year old screaming , “I hate you, you stupid butt-head jerk!” to my face. Other than the very non-P.C. reaction of smacking her accross the room (which I would never do, but have certainly been tempted), I try to take her by the hand and put her in time-out, at which time whe slams the door, and screams it again! At this time, rather than reach for either a Xanax, a wooden spoon, a bottle of wine, or a combination of all three, I decided to take a deep breath, and do some research.

My mom told me about a book that she read when she was a young mother dealing with a very strong-willed, disobedient, mouthy child (certainly one of my siblings), called “the Strong-Willed Child”. So, I looked it up, and found that there is a new edition, so it is now called The New Strong-Willed Child.Perhaps, since thirty years has passed since my mom read it, children have become even mouthier, and parents aren’t allowed to make them eat soap or spank them with wooden spoons without getting a visit from CPS- so a new version had to be written to guide the newer parents with less options and brattier, less disciplined kids- that’s my theory!

One of the first sentences that I came accross grabbed me, “You should not blame yourself for the temperament with which your child was born. She is simply a tough kid to handle, and your task is to match her stride for stride.” Wow….wish I would have taken that advice three years ago! I blame myself about five hundred times a day for her saying bad words, being so angry, hitting her brother…I constantly ask myself questions, trying to find the rationale like, “Maybe it’s because I didn’t make her oatmeal like she wanted this morning, and I took a shortcut and gave her a cereal bar- that is why she is so angry and resentful and says “I hate you!” I am a shitty mom, and I need to take more time for my children’s needs.”

Dobson went on to say, ” I am convinced that there is no other true source of confidence in parenting. There is not enough knowledge in the books, mine or anyone else’s, to counteract the evil that surrounds our kids today. We must bathe them in fervent prayer when we are in our prayer closet, saying words similar to these…” The good doctor goes on to write a beautiful prayer for parents to pray for their children.

I am left in bewilderment- first of all- I don’t have a “prayer closet”- do you? Maybe that’s the problem- I have a bathroom that my kids barge into all the time while I’m peeing, and mid-stream, I yell at them “close the door, I’m peeing! It can wait ’til I get out!” and then try to commence streamage. Not quite a sanctuary…but a “prayer closet” is a grand idea! That way, when my strong-willed child acts up, calls her brother a jackass, or screams “I hate you” at me, I can just go in my prayer closet (fully stocked of course with earphones, a scented candle, a bottle of wine, a wine-opener, a glass, some chocolate), and pray for the will of my profanity-screaming, shoe-throwing daughter to not be so strong, while I listen to Led Zeppelin, and tell God how thankful I am for creating the man (or woman?) that invented the fermenting of fruit to make alcohol, oh, and of course, for the health of my children and my family…then I would emerge a new woman, ready to face my strong-willed child! Brilliant idea- the prayer closet- I’m writing the Husband a note right now: “pick up deadbolt for my new prayer closet….doctor’s orders.”

There are a few items that I could not live without on my trip to Puerto Vallarta. Since it was too hot and sticky for a face full of make-up, I had to make some adjustments! My favorite stay pretty when it’s a 100 degrees tip is to use a tinted lip balm. No mess, no fuss- no time for liner, lipstick and gloss- by the time you get the liner on, it’s running down your chin like a sad clowns face! Forget that! I used Softlips tinted lip balm in Bronze- a little color, plus SPF 15- easy and pretty. Plus, I got through the week without chapped or sunburned lips!

The other little trick that I loved was using a tinted moisturizer with sunscreen. When it’s already sticky outside, no one wants to slather their face with moisturizer, sunscreen, then make-up! I used Olay Definity Color Recapture, Light/Medium, - a light coverage foundation and built- in, moisturizer with spf 15, for a flawless, goop-free look!

So, it has taken me two entire days to adjust to being back home after a week’s “vacation” with my family. Yes, Puerto Vallarta was beautiful, yes, my kids had a ball, yes the time spent with my family is cherished, but to be real honest- vacationing with kids is hard as hell!

Only half of the crap required to be taken to and from the pool/beach twice a day!

My Son, who is three is to the point where he is too big for the stroller, but his little stubby legs have a hard time keeping up with us, so there was a lot of whining going on about, “I no like walk, Mom” or “I too hot to walk any more, Dad”. I’ve gotta give him that one- it was hot! Not only hot, but humid and sticky. The first day we were there, I got dressed, put my make-up on, blow-dried my hair, put on a cute strapless sundress….then within ten minutes of walking outside, my hair was flat and damp, my make-up had slid down my face in streaks of sweat, and I had sweat rings under my boobs, showing through my dress. Not what I had envisioned when I bought the trendy, sexy tube dress that looked so stunning on the skinny-bitch model in Victoria’s Secret, who looked perfectly pulled together as she strolled on the beach in the catalog!

Hot, sweaty, but cherished, nonetheless!

I ended up wearing only three of the eight outfits that I brought down with me, because they were either black or printed, so I could hide the “underboob sweat” (is it safe to put anti-perspirant under boobs? I intend to find out before my next “vacation”), and short, so that I could have maximum ventilation to otherwise uncomfortably sweaty areas. So my visions of grandeur that I had while packing of wearing flowy maxi dresses and long boho beachy skirts like all of the gals in the current catalogs, were quickly dashed against the jagged rocks along the ocean that I walked on with sweaty underboobs and matted hair! More to come…