A continuation of “Do Not Drink and Shop”, including a review of the “Smooth Silky Leg” product:

I am so excited with my new little purchase, that the minute we walk into the house from a long exhausting day at the fair, I hurry, help get the kids to bed! “Kiss, kiss, love, hug, rock-a-bye baby, I love you, go to sleep!” And I lock myself in the bathroom, take a nice hot shower, dry off completely, then rip open the box and instructions for my little device that promises to set me free from the hassle of shaving, waxing and buying razor blades…the Smooth Silky Leg miracle in a box.

I carefully read the instructions, distracted by envisioning my whole body as smooth and perfect as the quarter-sized patch on my arm that the demonstrator defuzzed a few hours before, all for the bargain price of $20…then I slide the little mitt onto my hand, perch my right foot onto the toilet seat, like some deranged flamingo, and start my little circles. “Just like ‘wax on wax off’ on Karate Kid!” I remember the little hottie demonstrator telling me, it’s only dawning on me now that my buzz has worn off, that she’s not even old enough to have been born when Karate Kid came out! I shrug it off, and continue my little circles- a few to the right, then a few to the left. The hair on my legs is not really coming off like the hair on my arm did at the fair…maybe I need to rub harder? I know that the box said that “minor irritation” may occur by rubbing too hard against your skin, but I’m thinking that I’ve gotta be doing it too soft, or the hair would just erase off like it’s supposed to, right?

Fifteen minutes later, I only have a 2″ by 5″ patch finished on my right leg, the hair is off, but my leg is as pink as boiled shrimp, and I’m convinced that the hair only came off because the top four layers of skin on top of my legs came off too! Now, one would think that I probably should have decided at this point that this little trinket is not for me. But, no. I am stubborn as hell, I hate to quit, and I always make it happen if I want it to happen. And damnit- I want legs like that bimbo bitch demonstrator’s, and she uses Smooth Silky Leg, so so will I!

I take the mitt off my hand, march into the kitchen, pour a rather generous glass of Cabernet, stomp back into my room, and shut the door- liquid determination by my side. I finish the leg that I started, in record time of 47 minutes, and decide that I need a change of scenery (the Cabernet has worked it’s magic on my inhibitions by this point). I have very sensitive skin, and am always plagued with red, bumpy skin after I shave, especially THERE (I have discussed this issue in a former post titled “the Brazilian Wax Incident” feel free to refer back to it to laugh your ass off at yet another of my painful attempts to have a perfect bikini line, or rather no bikini line).

So, I sit on my bathroom floor, indian-style, and start on my inner thigh with the finger-sized mitt, which I read was “specifically designed for delicate areas such as the lip, eye-brow, or bikini area”. And away I go with my little circles, “Ouch”, I’m thinking- “this hurts, and it’s really not supposed to…” Little circles to the left, little circles to the right….wax on wax off…and I’m distracted by singing “You’re the best…. around…no ones ever gonna keep you down” from the Karate Kid soundtrack, as I do my little drunken circles all over my nether regions…then the wine really kicks in and I’m onto “Glory of Love” from the Karate Kid II soundtrack, “I am a man…” I’m singing in my bathroom, with the fan on, at the top of my lungs, “who will fight for your honor”…little circles little circles, “I’ll be the hero that you’re dreaming of”…damn I sound good in here, “Eat your heart out, Peter Cetera!” I say. Aloud. No, really.

I’ve been sitting in the bathroom, singing all of the score and soundtrack to both Karate Kid movies, while sandpapering my “area”, oversized glass of Cab is empty and has even served as a microphone during my rendition of “the Moment of Truth” by Survivor (also from Karate Kid), when suddenly, the door clicks open, and the Husband is standing there staring at me….reality comes to a screeching standstill before my eyes…embarrassment disguised as being a bitch kicks into high gear, “WHAT?” I hiss. “I fell asleep on the couch, and I woke up to this loud singing, and you’re in here…what are you doing?” “Remember, I bought that hair removal thing? At the fair…the hot girl with the awesome legs…” “You’re doing it now? It’s 1 A.M.” Really? Am I that drunk that I have been in here doing “wax on wax off” to my pelvic region and right leg for nearly three hours? Nooo….but the look of bewilderment on the Husbands face tells me it’s true. “Is it supposed to make your skin so red and bumpy like that?” He asks, genuinely concerned. “Well”, I stammer, “the hair wasn’t coming off when I did it soft like the girl did, so I just did it a little bit harder…” I realize the instant the words came out of my mouth how moronic they must have sounded to my Type A, follow every single instruction to the letter and by the book Husband. “Maybe you should give it a rest for tonight and finish tomorrow,” he suggests. Yeah- he’s probably right- it’s going to be way less fun without the singing and bathroom accoustics, and it is late. I’ll pack it up for now, finish in the morning, and off to bed I went.

The next morning, I was still a little foggy from my Cabernet-induced slumber, and I stumble into the bathroom, look at my reflection in the mirror, and as soon as I see the girl in the mirror staring back at me with scathing red bumps and welts down one leg, and all over her bikini area, I am reminded of the night before as gently as one would be if they walked dead on into a brick wall. “OH MY GOD!” was all I could say as I surveyed the damage that this stupid-ass little mitt had done. Apparently, I am allergic to one of the minerals that make up the “superfine crystals” A.K.A. fine-grit sandpaper, that are used to sand off your hair. The combination of rubbing in circular motions and “exfoliating” as I removed the hair, opened my skin and pores up to receive more of the mineral that I was allergic to, and I ended up with painful welts and hives all over my most sacred parts, and up and down one leg. All in all, it took about 5 days and two tubes of Cortisol to calm the angry allergic reaction, and I have vowed to myself that my search for being hair-free will never venture further than the handle of a razor. Ever.

So, we’ve all seen the commercial with the girl sitting on the edge of the bathtub, delicately “smoothing away” her unwanted hair- no mess, no fuss, no water needed- and her unwanted hair just magically erases with a light buffing of this little miracle mitt…let me be the first to warn you- it doesn’t quite work that way!

One small disclaimer, I did not try the actual “Smooth Away” product. What I tried was Smooth Silky Leg, a knockoff of Smooth Away that I bought from a vendor at the county fair. Why the lack of punctuation for “legs” on the box wasn’t a dead giveaway that I probably shouldn’t trust the quality of the product inside, is a whole ‘nother story! In my post titled “Fair Market Value?” a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned having a couple of beers, then walking through the commercial building, and I warned my dear readers not imbibe, and then walk through a building where hundreds of people are trying to sell you stuff that seems really miraculous! Here’s the backstory:

After drinking two $12 beers (no that is not a typo- you read correctly, $12, each, PER beer) at the fair, we decided to take a stroll the commercial building. The one where every infomercial you have ever seen is represented live and in person- the Shamwows, the super cool mop that picks up dog food, the magnetic bracelets that cure you from arthritis, syphillis, brain damage, or whatever the hell else might possibly ail you, the Tempurpedic beds, and of course, the knock-off Smooth Away.

I walk up to the booth, where this drop-dead gorgeous gal is demonstrating on another woman’s arm, how to use the product. The customer who’s arm is being “smoothed” is in awe of how incredibly easy and painless this process is, and exclaims,”I love it! No water, no shaving cream- that’s amazing! I’ll buy two- one for me, one for my sister!” And with that, she plunks down 40 bucks into the demonstrator’s hot little hand, and walks away gleefully. The beautiful demonstrator, who was all of 23, maybe 25 tops, then gracefully moved onto the next curious customer, “would you like to try it?” she asks in a very seductive manner,  ”Sure!” the lady in front of me quips, “it doesn’t hurt?” she asks, a tad concerned, “Oh, no- it’s like filing your nails, but nicer, because as it removes the hair, it gently exfoliates at the same time. ” “How nice…like a facial for your legs!” the customer beams, and juts out her arm for the demonstrator to “smooth”. In a couple swirls one way, then a couple the other way, a one-inch by one-inch section of the customer’s arm is perfectly smooth. “That is so soft!” The customer exclaims as she rubs her fingertip over the quarter-sized patch of freshly de-fuzzed and “exfoliated” skin. “I’ll get five of those! One for me, the rest for my bridesmaids!” Then plucks out her credit card, and hands it to the gal, and charges $100 worth of “Smooth Silky Leg”, as the demonstrator is pleased as punch that she’s just sold nearly $200 worth of sandpaper and plastic, basically large nail files, to unsuspecting customers.

Then tipsy ol’ me comes along, skeptical. “So, how does it work?” I ask, as the doe-eyed demonstrator begins to lift up the side of her own skirt, just enough to show the unblemished, cellulite-free side of her 23-year-old, perfectly smooth thigh, “Just like this, gently swirl the pad one way, then change directions, and that’s it. That’s all I do!” At this point, she’s definitely grabbed the Husband’s attention, along with 30 other guys who are now tugging their wives toward the “Smooth Silky Leg” booth. The Husband asks her, “Does it work on men too?” “Well, not on facial hair, or coarse hair, but” she coos, as she gently touches his chest with her finger tip, “anywhere else, it works like a charm” she hisses in a throaty tone, and adds a little wink for good measure. She can sense that I’m still skeptical, so she adds, “Just think of all of the shoes you can buy with the money you’ll save on razor blades and shaving cream.” She had me at “shoes”!  I handed over my $20 bill, grabbed my bag, thanked the gal, and walked away with visions of silky, fuzz-free legs and bikini areas dancing in my head- no more bumps, redness, money wasted on blades and cream….hairless perfection!

Tune in for the actual review of Smooth Silky Leg…

This stuff is my answer to being so pasty, I could try-out as an extra in the next Twilight movie- Fake Bake – Self Tanning Airbrush Spray - LOVE it! For the first time ever, I bought a self-tanner that does what it says it will do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it’s $30- kinda pricey you say, for a self-tanner (the Husband would think so too, which is why I told him it was only $10, so shhhh). Just consider what you would pay for an airbrush tan at a salon, or even a Mystic tan- and then keep in mind, that you would get at least three applications out of one can, and voila! Rationalization at it’s best right there!

Fake Bake is the first sunless tanner that I have used that gave me golden, even coverage on my first attempt. In addition, it didn’t have that yucky chemical smell that we all know is the chemicals reacting with your skin to produce the color, but it always reminds me of cat pee- gross. So, to find a tanner that has a pleasant smell and maintains a pleasant smell is surely a bonus! Also, the Fake Bake has a nice “instant” tan as you spray it on, which really helps to guide you while applying the product.

First thing you want to do before applying any self tanner, is shower, and exfolliate. Every different brand says that you should use their exfolliant first- in my experience, as long as you are exfoliating with something that is oil-free, and doesn’t leave a residue that will inhibit the sunless tanner, you’re golden, well, at least getting there! With a spray formula, such as Fake Bake, you will want to apply the tanner in your shower- not while the water’s running, or you’ll get streaks. But, definitely within the shower, or else you will end up sunless tanning everything in your bathroom- not a fun mess to clean up, I assure you! Spray in long, even strokes over your body, then rub in any “blotches”. For your back- a little trick I learned is to spray all that you can reach, then for the middle part that most of us can’t reach, bend at the waist like a tabletop, spray the tanner into the air above your back, then hold still, and it should fall pretty evenly onto your back. Or, you can ask someone to spray your back for you, always a novel idea!

Once you’re all laquered up, give yourself 15 minutes before getting dressed, wash your hands and soles of your feet with soap and water, so you don’t get orange Oompa Loompa stains on them. And, lastly, this will sound funny, but blow your nose. All of the little tanning particles from the spray will collect, and if you don’t heed my advice, you will get to wherever you’re going, and have brown nostrils, and people will point and laugh, and you will say, “I should have listened to Kristin’s advice!” Then I will point and laugh and say “I told you so”! Because that’s what friends are for.