On Sunday, we decided to take the kids to the local county fair to enjoy some good ol’ fashioned fun-in-the-sun, animals, rides and cotton candy. We had no idea that his whole event would cost nearly as much as a day at Disneyland! I can very comfortably declare that going to the fair need only be a once every few years event for our family.

The $6 Merry-go-round ride

The day began with parking, and the organizers of the fair are kind enough to give you parking options: you can pay an arm to park in general parking or a leg to park in “preferred” parking! We opted for the $8 general parking. Got parked, lubed up the kids and ourselves with sunblock, threw together the bag of diapers, wipes, camera, etc. We are starting to grow out of the stroller, though this time we should have brought it. We walk throught the dirt parking lot, to a line of people about two blocks long, all waiting to get into the fair. After 40 minutes of waiting in line, my Son whining about how his legs are tired, my daughter doing “Princess twirls” into at least seven other people in line- we were golden, time to go in. We processed easily through the metal detectors and scanning wands, since we didn’t have a stroller this year (and no, we don’t live in Watts or some other crazy violent neighborhood- this is Pleasanton, one of the safest cities in America- guess you can never be too safe).

They won't want to ride the merry-go-round, and yell "Hi Mom!" everytime forever...

So- of course, they put the carnival rides right where you walk in the door, so your kids scream at you “We wanna go on the rides! I wanna ride the ferris wheel! I wanna ride the roller coaster! No, I get to ride the cars! You’re too little, Stupid-head- you can only go on the baby rides! Waaaaaahhhhhh….Mommmmmmyyyyyy….Sister said I can’t go on the car ride…..waaaaahhhhhh”, or something like that, until the parents relentlesly give in and buy a $25 pack of carnival ride tickets.

One would think that with $25 worth of ride tickets, a family of four could each ride a couple of rides. Wrong! We all got in line for the ferris wheel, so that we could ride it all together like the perfect little happy family (Awwww….), until we get to the front of the line, and the Carni-man says, “That will be 20 tickets, ma’am”. “I’m sorry? 20 tickets?” I stammer….that can’t be right- these tickets are a dollar apiece. Oh, I know- he thinks we’re offering to pay for the eight people behind us, we all had whining kids, all around the same age- one might have thought that. I announce to the Carni-man, “no, we’re not with them” I gesture to the people behind us, “It’s just the four of us, ” I say. “Yes ma’am, for the four of you, it will be 20 tickets. Five tickets each, for four of you- 20 tickets please.” I hand him the whole roll of tickets, except for the five little separate ones, because they’re sold as a sheet of 20, but they make you buy 25 so that they can con you, since there is no such thing as a ride at the fair that is less than 3 tickets, so either someone rides by themselves, one extra ride (try doing that with two toddlers- I dare you), or you just toss them, OR (novel idea)- you have to buy more! It’s a scam that would make Bernie Madoff  proud! So, onto the ferris wheel we go (no turning back now, unless you want to see a meltdown of drastic proportions)- and I sat in bewilderment that I had just spent $20 on a 3-minute ferris wheel ride. I tried to comfort myself by placing my family in a Visa commercial that shows the perfect little family at the fair: Popcorn $4, Soda $6, Ferris Wheel $20, a Sunday with the family: Priceless. Priceless my ass! All of the money I made bartending all weekend went to pay for our excursion to the stupid fair!

I'd never seen live horse racing before!

It was hotter than hell, and after a screaming tirade from our kids about how they “wanted to ride more rides than just the stupid ferris wheel!” we were ready to sit down, eat some lunch and have a beer. We were faced with yet another Ponzi Scheme when we bought our two $12 brews, a $9 kid’s meal of corndog and fries, and a $16 beef brisket platter that we shared. After, we went on to look at all of the livestock animals (believe it or not, that was free), then watched some horseracing (again, free, because betting was a $50 minimum, and neither the Husband or I know horseracing from a hole in the ground- so we didn’t dare try at the fair), and then we sat and watched a bunch of drunks and cowboys with spit containers in their hands, ride a mechanical bull. Definitely entertaining!

I picked a winner when I married the Husband!

And then we walked through the commercial exhibit buildings- allow me to forwarn you: Do not enter these buildings if you don’t want to spend money, and/or if you have been drinking and will easily be swayed into believing that a $35 mop will be your answer to a sparkling clean and pristine home or that a $25 piece of rubber with nail-file grit pasted to it will keep your legs and bikini line hair-free in a painless, easy manner….

Tune in for Fair Market Value 2: Soft Silky Legs Review sometime this week!