Have you ever had a friendship with someone that you’ve had for many years- they are a huge part of your life, you’ve shared countless memories and moments with them, maybe they’re considered as close as family? Have you ever grown apart from a close friend, or decided that the friendship is no longer a two-way street, or that this person has become a less than positive addition to your life? If you have ever had to let go of a friendship that you once held very dear, then you can truly relate to my quest for how to let go of a friendship that is no longer adding value to your life.

I am the type of person that hangs on to everything! I saved my blouse that I wore on my first date with the Husband, I saved my wedding shoes (yes- the gaudy ones with the sequin butterflies- don’t even ask), I save every card or letter from any family member or loved one for the past twenty-five years, and I have three pairs of jeans that are size 00 at the top of my closet- God knows I’ll never wear those again! But, I’m just sentimental- it’s hard for me to let go. It’s especially hard for me to let go of people in my life- I want to be friends with everyone! Ex-boyfriends, school aquaintances, they are all sentimental to me, so it’s hard to let them go.  But there have been times that I’ve had to, and I’ve lived to tell about it, so I guess it wasn’t so bad. But when it comes to a friendship that has spanned over twenty years, where do you start?

I had to do some significant research and soul searching in order to find some answers. I came accross an article by Elizabeth Scott, M.S.,  a writer and couple’s therapist that I respect. The article said that when you are in the process of letting go of a friendship, you have to ask yourself the following questions about this person:

• Is this relationship worth the amount of work required to maintain it?
• Is this a person I would choose to have in my life if we just met today? Or have I been holding onto this relationship out of habit?
• Does this person make me feel good about myself? Am I uncomfortable around them?
• Is this friend competitive with me in a negative way?
• Do I like who I am when I’m with them? Or do we seem to bring out the worst in each other?
• How deeply can I trust this person? Could I count on them if I needed to? Could I share my feelings freely?
• Do we have common interests and values? If not, do I benefit from the differences?
• Am I receiving as much as I give?
• If I gave this relationship the effort it deserves, would it benefit me and enrich my life?

Out of the nine questions, only one of them, could I honestly answer “yes” to. I was suprised by my emotion while forcing myself to truthfully answer these questions- it was just easier to deal with the negativity and stay friends with this person out of habit. But this person did bring out the worst in me, she does compete with me in a negative way, and for the worse, this person did not make me fee good about myself. I was incredibly uncomfortable around her, and I constantly watched every little step and word while in her presence. Our friendship was no longer give an take, it wasn’t even give or take- it was just negative. Now that I’ve realized that I really need to do something about this negativity in my life, I was ready to move forward, but how?

I came accross a quote that spoke volumes to me, “To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.” The lightbulb went off in my head- I am not responsible for my toxic friend’s feelings, actions, or concerns, and I can’t get in the middle of arranging how I hope to feel, or the outcome. I just need to have a clean break, have little to no association with this person, and let it go. Others affect their own destiny, I affect mine. The longer I choose to let this person wreak havok in my life, take up my time with my family, cause arguements and hurt feelings, then I am chosing for my destiny to be tainted with thoughts of anger, resentment and frustration.

The writer and more dramatic and sentimental side of me is now crying out, “But what if something happens, and you never forgive yourself for severing this friendship?!?” I have been thinking about that…a lot. This time, I  am chosing the path that I will never forgive myself if I don’t do something about this person affecting my life so negatively. It is time, and I am ready. I expect that it will be difficult, but the pain that this person inflicts upon me by her snide, critical comments and negativity has been more difficult to bear. I intend not to dwell on the past, but to look forward to the strength that I will gain from overcoming this situation, the knowledge that I will learn from going through this process, and for the relief that will come with forgiveness and letting go.

On a final note:

“Trying creates impossibilities,
letting go creates what is desired.”    ~Stalking Wolf, Apache elder

“If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. ” ~Edgar W. Howe

I just cracked up when I read that quote! As a stay-at-home, work-at-home, working Mom, I can absolutely relate to that! Sure, there is a small part of me that is very sad to see my daughter go to school and be influenced by others, and become more independent, but in the words of Mitch Hedberg, “If the (I’m sad my kid’s going to Kindergarten feeling) was represented in a pie chart graph, it would be as small as the slice of pie that shows ‘If I won the lottery, I’d give it all to charity’!” Yes, she’s getting grown up, yes she is not going to have me as the center of her world, but let’s be real here- when she screams at me “I hate you, stupid dork jackass!” from accross the backyard at me when I’m on the phone with my Mom, because I took away the Sharpie that she was using to grafitti the side of our (rented) home- I’m not feeling held real high in my daughter’s rank of things that are important to her!

“Pat, pitter, pat, pat”, I hear little feet pajamas padding down the wood floor hallway toward my bedroom door, I groggily open one eye and peek at my alarm clock, and it reads “6:03 a.m.”. My first thought is, “I got home from work at 1 a.m…..I’m exhausted! Go back to bed, kid!” The little feet shuffle up to my door, and a sweet little hand gently pushes the door open…pretty brown curly hair and angelic face peer in at me, “Mama, can I get in your bed?” I sigh. My body wants to yell “No- it’s not 7:30 yet- you’re not allowed to get up ’til 7:30- go to your bed”, but my heart takes one look at this little girl, who just wants to cuddle with her Mama, and I say, “Alright, Baby- come on up…but you have to go to sleep!”

My Girl

She smiles so big, her face lights up, and she jumps in my bed, curls up perfectly in front of me, is perfectly quiet, and in minutes is asleep. Usually, I would just crash back out, being tired from working late the night before. But not this morning. I took a second to smell her beautiful hair- still smelling of hairspray that I sprayed all over her curls so that she would have perfect “First day of Kindergarten” pictures. And I held her hand- dirty little fingernails, because she wears her Cinderella princess ballgown, then plays in the dirt with her brother. And I cuddled her in her “Baby jaguar” leopard print foot pajamas that I bought for her last year, then they dragged on the floor they were so big, and now they’re so small on her, she can barely zip them! And instead of falling back to sleep, I think to myself how blessed I am to have a healthy, beautiful little girl who loves her Mama, her Dad, her Brother, and her whole family. A girl who loves to be a pretty princess, but a tomboy at the same time.

Pretty Princess

There will come a day, when little feet no longer pad down the hallway to come snuggle with Mama, or when they stop asking to ride the Merry-go-round and run for the thrill rides instead. Or when they stop believing in magic, in princesses, tooth fairies and Santa. Someday, not too far off in the future, I will no longer be the center of her world,  just a small part of it- friends, school, sports and the beginnings of her own social circle will become her world. So today, I’m going to forget about falling back to sleep, and take this extra hour to be thankful for my daughter, for her wanting to cuddle with me, for her independence, and for her adorable baby jaguar pajamas with the feet.