The other day, my pal Amber and I were talking about a family member’s memorial, and how they had a “casket free” burial (I’d never heard of such a thing!), and we went on to discuss what we want for ourselves when we eventually pass on, since everybody does- it’s only natural to think about it once in a while. I know it’s kind of morbid and eerie to ponder, but I think everyone should have written somewhere, whether it’s a formal will, or just a piece of paper in their dresser drawer, what they wish for themselves and their families after they are gone. Not necessarily financial stuff, or “so-and-so gets this”, but what you want for your body, and your funeral or memorial. A lot of people think, “I’m dead and gone- who cares?” That’s great for them, but for the people who it matters to, how you’re remembered, and how you leave your mark on the world- it’s important to think about!

When my Grandma passed away in 2004, all three of her daughters, and myself, being the eldest granddaughter, knew exactly what she wanted for her and her memorial when she was gone. She was not afraid of death, and talked openly on several occasions about what she wanted to be done at that time. We all knew that she wanted to be cremated. She would joke that there’s no way in hell that she’d want to have an open casket, where all these people could stare at some fat, dead old lady (her exact words)! She didn’t want people crying and being sad- she wanted to go out with a bang- “have a party for me”, she said! So, we did exactly that- we had a sweet memorial service- mostly lighthearted, a few jokes were even made, most stories were loving and wonderful memories of the amazing woman she was. Sure, there were tears, but few in comparison to the smiles and laughter at stories that were being shared, and songs that were sung. We had the party catered by my Grandma’s favorite chinese food restaurant, and it was a beautiful day that I know she appreciated, as did all of us.

Grandma Pat

So, in keeping with my Grandma’s tradition, I want my loved ones to have the piece of mind to know what my wishes are for myself, when that day comes- and hopefully it’s 50-60 years from now, but so that they all know- here it is: I do know that I want to be cremated. Caskets, vaults, cemetarty plots- all that jazz is so expensive! And for what? It’s not like a hot pair of Christian Louboutin heels that make you look 10 lbs. thinner, and your legs 6″ longer- it’s a box for crying out loud! A box to go in the ground, and have dirt cover it- not fun, not sassy, not at all something that leaves a legacy that describes me. So, folks and friends- save the money that would be spent on all that, and this is what I want instead: Take “me”, meaning my ashes and the mason jar, ziploc bag, urn, or whatever they’re contained in, and book a cruise to the Carribbean! Pack “me” in your suitcase (I’ll try not to spill out on your underwear, or toothbrush- I promise), and board ship! Some of my best times have been on cruises with my family, the Husband and my kids- so this would be perfect! Wait until the ship is out past Cozumel (I do not want to R.I.P. in Mexico, for sure!), then right before you pull into port in the Cayman Islands, on that night, around midnight, stand at the top of the ship (where the topless optional sundeck is, on the 12th deck- I know all about that, but that’s a whole ‘nother story), and on the count of three, after a champagne toast- “WOOSH”! Just throw the whole thing overboard! No “scattering” necessary- the other guests would probably not appreciate my kind of “confetti”! Then I can rest in peace in one of my favorite locations in the world, and my loved ones can go back to karaoke on the Lido deck, and think about me and how fabulous I am for saving them $4,000 on a casket and plot and funeral, and just talk all about how funny I was, how I loved to sing and dance, and vacation with my family. That would be the perfect memorial for me! So- don’t say I didn’t tell you! It’s all here in black and white- no excuses! I’m making it known that if I end up at some funeral parlor, a dead, fat old lady in a box with people crying and staring at me- you had better believe I WILL haunt your ass!

“Life shouldn’t be printed on dollar bills”.  ~Clifford Odets

That is my belief when it comes to money… and that the more you make, the more you spend, and that you will always have debt, and owe something to someone, so not to let finances get in the way of living life. I know firsthand that I have a less than healthy attitude toward money. I’ve read the Suze Orman books, I’ve read several “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” books, I know what the experts say, and what money should be, and how it should be respected, but I still loathe it. I am disguested when there’s “not enough” of it to do something I want to do, especially if it will enrich my life, or my children’s. I despise when it is money that causes a huge canyon to rip through what is generally a happy, loving and healthy relationship with the Husband. I can easily state that 99% of our fights are wretchedly rooted beneath a discussion about money, or lack thereof.

Why is that? It is said that money is one of the top five reasons that people file for divorce. Sometimes it’s “money infedelity”- where one spouse spends wrecklesly, while lying or covering it up to the other. Sometimes, it’s just that two can’t agree on money, so they just fight about it incessantly, or ignore it all together, until it just snowballs out of control, and then they’re in so much debt and financial dispair that they can’t even get their heads above water to create a solution.

According to financial advisor and guru, Dave Ramsey, there are ways to talk about money in a marriage. The following outline is a guide that I think is particularly helpful:

Don’ts

• Don’t attack your spouse
• Don’t bring other issues into the conversation
• Don’t accuse by saying “you never” or “you always”
• Don’t assume that the person who makes all the money has all the say so in how it’s spent.

Do’s

• Have difficult money talks when it’s convenient for both of you. If your partner is tired or involved with something else, wait until a better time.
• Discuss your attitudes about money and encourage your partner to do the same. It will help the two of you understand some of the deep-rooted issues that are causing conflict.

Easier said than done, but good advice, nonetheless.

Flirty Girl Fitness

It honestly took me fifteen minutes to stop laughing after doing the “Flirty Girl Fitness” DVD. It was very fun, hilarious, actually- unless you really are a stripper, then I’m sure this is all old hat to you! As for me, I am a novice to the strip-tease world, the hip-hop-booty-shaking world, and generally the dance world, other than my reigning favorite form of exercise: bellydancing.

"The Pussycat"...with attitude...she told me to!

Now, one would think that a bellydancer would easily pick up these moves being thrown out by the “Flirty Girls”, but no. I didn’t. At all. The first DVD, called “Booty Beat” (try to contain yourself, here), is a fun, heart- pumping dance routine. If you’re 5’10″, hair down to your waist, a 34D, size 2, perfect abs and tan, like all of the “Flirty Girls” are, then these moves look super duper sassy and hot! However, if you’re like me, and have at least 10 lbs. to lose, and this is your first intro to moves like “the Booty Bump”, “the Pussycat”, and the “Spank”, you might at first feel a little silly doing all of these moves. God knows I did! But, as ridiculous as I felt, I found myself laughing and smiling the whole time- which is a great bonus to just sweaty, plain ol’ cardio. The only downside to any “pole-dancing-stripper-routine” DVD is that you can’t do it while you’re kids are around. The last thing I need is my Daughter doing “the Bootie Bump”, or my Son trying to copy “the Party Girl”! So- if you go for it, do it while the kids are napping or at school- as for me, I’m not doing it in front of anyone but the cat until I have some of these moves mastered!

"Hip Thrusts"...I can do that!

"The Party Girl"

After I finished the “Booty Beat” DVD, I was feeling all sexy and empowered, and I thought I would move onto the “Chair Dance” DVD. Be forewarned here, friends- do not attempt the chair routine until you have mastered the art of being stripperrific, are super flexible, and can feel really sexy doing some seriously crazy-slutty moves! Do not do as I did, and skip straight to the chair routine- get the first one down for a few days, then move on. Learn from my mistake….

So, I put on the chair DVD, and the skinny, tan, flat-as-a-board abs, perfectly endowed instructor purrs, “You’ll never look at your kitchen chair the same…” Allow that to be a warning, Ladies! So, I continue on with the DVD, “walk unassumingly around the chair, sit with your back arched…” So far so good. “Do a sexy stretch….” I can do that alright…”Stand up to the side of the chair, kick your left leg over the back of the chair, straddle, and sit”….I’m a dancer, right? So, I just follow along….except, I realize midway through kicking my left leg up and over the back of the chair, that it was not going to clear the top of the back of the chair. So, not only did I topple over the back of the chair, I lost my balance, landed on the now upside-down chair on my hip, and have a huge bruise on my ass to show for it. Notice, there are no pictures of the “Chair Dance” workout…nor will there be. The “Chair Dance” is intended to be somewhat of an ab/core workout, but mostly for you to learn the art of  chair dancing, in order to show it to your significant other. I wouldn’t dream of making such an ass out of myself in front of the Husband, until I am a Master Chairdancer! Then, I can graduate, and move up the ranks to “Poledancer”.

The 10-foot Pole...Seriously

 It’s then and only then, I will graduate from bashing myself on an overturned chair, to breaking my neck trying to climb upsidedown on a pole in my living room…..Stay tuned!

The End!