Wow- how I have missed writing! Thank you for all of your kind words, or even just wondering, “when in the hell is that gal ever going to write again”? I could blame it on my working too much, or I could blame it on my bout with anxiety and panic attacks, or I could blame it on the simple fact that I’m a crazy, busy mom with very little time in between shuffling my kids, working, being a wife, and all of the other roles I play in my life. But the simple truth is, if one of my best friends, who has twin 6-month old boys, and a three-year old boy can find time to write, then I have NO excuse! So, here I am, back in the saddle!

Though much has happened since last I wrote, there has been nothing I have been wanting to write more about, than the pole-dancing class I went to for my girlfriend’s birthday! There were twelve of us ladies, mostly all moms, mostly very suburban, typical “Soccer Moms”, pretty bobbed blonde hair, velour Juicy tracksuit, conservative- you know the type. So, we drive to what looks like an office complex in a very non-descript area of Redwood City, and walk into an office, where we could see beyond the front desk was a Pilates studio. Non-threatening, no big deal! Then we walk into the next room, which was literally a room full of floor-to-ceiling poles! Right as we walk in, the instuctor (Shelly) greets us, as she is hanging upside down, legs spread-eagle, half naked from the first pole as you walk through the door.

If you’ve never seen “Soccer Mom Shock”, it is funy as hell to witness in person! It’s when a pretty, sweetly conservative, suburbanite mom sees something that is “shocking” to her, and her recenlty Botoxed forehead can’t even stop the knee-jerk reaction of her eyebrows slightly arching, while her neatly pink-and-white manicured nails cover her Lancome Juicy Tubes-laquered mouth as a barely audible gasp emerges… it’s classic!

While some of the women recovered from their “Soccer Mom Shock” ordeal, and were still struggling to wrap their minds around what was happening in front of their eyes, a few of us reveled in what was sure to be a raunchy, in-your-face, play-by-play instruction manual into the sordid world of stripping and pole dancing. Being a belly-dancer, I have brushed shoulders with many dancers from, shall we say, “other genres” of dance. So being in a room full of poles with a barely clothed woman was no big deal to me, but for some others- it was quite out of their box!

At this point, the instructor uninverts herself on the pole, glides down effortlessly, lands in the splits, wipes down the pole with a cloth and some sort of  stripper pole cleaning solution, stands up and introduces herself as Shelly. My first thought is “Shelly”? Is that her stage name or her real name? Shelly is stunning- abs that you could bounce a quarter off of, about 12% bodyfat, every muscle defined, very impressive, and yes, a tad intimidating.

She begins to instruct us through a very benign, simple warm-up, and then BAM! Whips out the good stuff….”Ladies- this is how you do a lap dance!” Nervous trilling laughter ensues amongst the Soccer Moms, as myself and the two other more “wordly” women think, “Now we’re talkin’!” Shelly asks us to partner up- one woman is the “Dancer” and one is the “Person” (being a customer in Shelly’s case, being a shell-shocked, sex-starved husband in some of the Soccer Moms cases). I partnered up with my girlfriend, who is thankfully as open-minded, expressive and adventurous as I am. The other Moms partnered up with eachother nervously milling around the room, laughing quietly. Shelly bellows to the room, “Dancers, slowly slither up to your Person, walking very confidently and slowly!” I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to “slither” very confidently and slowly in 6″ platform heels before, but it’s no easy feat, I’ll tell ya! “When you get to your Person”, Shelly continues, “Drop down between their legs onto your knees, and show them your there for THEM. Insist your presence!” This is where a couple of the moms literally jump back, do the Soccer Mom Shock and gasp combo, and shake their heads. ‘Their poor husbands”, is all I can think. But I ignore them- I’m here to learn! I wobbily “slither” up to my friend, my “Person” and damn it, I insisted my presence! I even got into it a little leaned over my “Person” and gave her a great cleavage shot, thanks to the couple of swigs from a flask of what I’m pretty sure I determined was whiskey from one of the other gals in the class.

After lots of giggling, some nervous laughter from the other Moms, and being taught some seriously sassy dance moves, we moved onto the POLES! Shelly taught us about different ways to stand in front of the pole, then moved into how to spin. It was a blast! I had bruises on the inside of my knees and thighs for about two weeks, but it was well worth it- I would do it again in a heartbeat!

About two weeks after our class, my girlfriend who’s birthday we were celebrating at the pole class, and I, were at a Girl Scout field trip to the fire station. We were the two naughty girls in the back of the class, snickering and giggling everytime the fireman talked about the pole in the firehouse, and showed the kids how they slide down when the bell rings, etc. Finally, as we were leaving, and all of the kids were outside of earshot, she quips up to the cutest of the four hot firemen there that day, and says with a wink, “We know how to do that!” Yes,  we do…….thank you, Shelly!