ME! This will surely make me Mother of the Year: 

So, I picked up my Daughter at Kindergarten yesterday, and she is so excited to see me, and gives me a big hug, and hands me this envelope. “I made mail for you, Mama! Open it!” She exclaims. I laugh as I look at the envelope, it is addressed to “Kristin” instead of “Mom”….pretty cute.

The outside of the card said “So Grateful”……awwwwww- so nice to be appreciated as a Mom! Here’s what the inside said:

WHAT????? “I don’t hit you!” I say to my Daughter, as my eyes dart quickly around the school play yard to see if any of the other Moms caught a glimpse of my “mail” . “You did too! You spanked me.” She is telling the truth. I know that everyone has very specific and strong opinions on corporal punishment, so save me the lecture, and the phone call to CPS. In our home,  spanking is the Granddaddy of all punishment, and is reserved for only the very worst of offenses. That particular morning, she had just been spanked for spitting at me and calling her Brother a jackass. But there is a big difference between spanking and hitting…. spanking is teaching a lesson and not done in anger, hitting is in anger, and something a parent only thinks of doing when their five-year-old spits at them when you tell them that it’s time to leave the McDonald’s Playplace. I digress…

“I do NOT hit you.” I explain to my five-year-old, whispering so that the other Moms and teachers can’t hear me. “If you are really misbehaving, you get a spanking, with an open hand, and not very hard…” I realize that I am trying to defend my actions to my five-year-old, then a horrible thought occurs to me: “ Oh, my God”, I think to myself, “who helped her write her “mail”, and saw this? They’re gonna think I’m beating my daughter- which I am TOTALLY not! How could anyone think I would hurt my kids? They’re gonna take my kids away ’cause I spanked them for saying jackass!!!!” My mind is reeling with all of the horrible possibilities….. I take a deep breath and quietly, and calmly ask, “Sooooo…..Did your teacher help you with this?” “No, I did it by myself!” She answers proudly, with a grin. A small amount of relief washes over me. “Wow- you spell really good!” I say, trying to find something encouraging to say to my kid. And ever since, I have been wondering what kind of character damage and psychological derrangment I have done to my kid by spanking. Images of Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” flicker in my mind- the part where he’s in a dream-sequence and he’s dramatically telling his mother he’s blind from the soap that she put in his mouth for saying the “F” word. I feel like the shittiest Mom ever…..

Interestingly, my Daughter made Daddy some “mail” too. His was addressed to “Daddy”, and said, “I love to play with you!” Seriously? Why do Daddies always get to be the nice ones?