So, I ask my friend, how on earth she has no bumps or redness- surely she’s had thousands of dollars worth of laser treatments. “Nope” she says. Waxing? “No way- that hurts!” She replies. This I know firsthand (see my post titled “ the Brazillian Wax Incident”) . “I tweeze”, she admits. “Like your eyebrows? With tweezers? Really?” I ask, skeptically. “Really.” She assures me. “The whole thing? Doesn’t that take a long time?” “It does, but it’s worth it!” She says, and I believe her. The proof was there, afterall.

So, the next week, I hold off on my girl-part grooming regimen, in hopes to copy-cat my friend and tweeze my area to fuzz-free, bump-free perfection. The day before, I had talked to my Aunt on the phone who had told me about this cream called “Bikini Zone”,  that you could buy at the drugstore, supposed to help with the redness, irritation from waxing or shaving, or in my case plucking. Got the kids to bed, the Husband fell asleep on the couch watching COPS- this is my opportunity. Armed with tweezers, Bikini Zone, and a generous glass of Merlot, I trodded off to the bathroom to begin my masterpiece. Since, I received no specific instruction, I decided to follow the logic that I learned from my other bikini line grooming catastrophes- start outward, work inward. Good advice, whoever came up with that, because the outward doesn’t hurt too much, it’s when you get to the inward, that hopefully your glass of wine has hit ya, because you’re at the point of no return…you’ll end up looking like a boiled, pink, bearded clam- surely not the look you were intending.

So, outward to inward….I commence. Not too bad- things are moving a long smoothly- very little pain or discomfort is occuring so far. About an hour into my journey, my back is a little stiff, my hand hurts from tweezing, so I get up to get another glass of wine, rally, and get back to work, thinking I was half-way there. Let me teach you something about the female anatomy, if I may. In God’s great creative design, the tiny hairs on the outer area are fewer between, and much less painful, then the ones more inward. In addition, as nature intended, the more inward is a more “slippery slope”, so to speak. Tweezers have a tougher time tweezing. Now what do I do? Off to grab another glass of wine, and think of a solution. Think, think, think….Baby powder would work! I look all over- no baby powder. Damn. What else….when my kids had diaper rashes, my mother-in-law always said to use cornstarch- that must soak up moisture! So, I grab a box of cornstarch, do a dusting of my area, and we’re back in business! Yeah, it hurts like hell at this point, yeah my neck is twisted and my body contorted trying to reach myself, but it’s all for good reason, right? Sexy bikini line is within my reach! Four hours, a bottle of wine, a half-box of cornstarch, and a twisted, pinched-nerve riddled neck and back later…I have finished. I laquer on the Bikini Zone, and pass out in my bed, still covered in cornstarch (this didn’t even phase the Husband- he’s totally used to my shenanigans by now).

The next morning I wake up, realizing that there are several patches that in my wine-dimmed haze I thought I nixed, and didn’t, and it took yet another hour of painstaking tweezing. The whole effect was pretty good, still red and bumpy, the first two days, then all started to sprout back within a week. So overall, not my answer to bikini hair removal. After the $18 bottle of wine,  $160 chiropractic bill, and five plus hours of discomfort, and at least one solid hour of pure torture, I’d rather pay $50 and have someone rip it off all at once (which I’ve never had done yet, but you know when I do, I’ll tell you all about it)!

And a small disclaimer about the Bikini Zone…it works pretty good. However, I do not recommend applying the product right before any sort of naughty activity…it contains Lidocaine. In other words, if you do not heed my warning, you will hear the words, “Honthy, I can’th feel my thongue!” Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Trick #1: Nutritious snack bars for the kids and for yourself. I prefer CLIF Kid Z-bars: Super healthy, organic, no trans fats or high-fructose corn syrup, and they taste good! I keep a stash in my car for outings, when the kids are freaking out, because they’re hungry or bored, and I don’t want to drive through McD’s for the third time in one week! I also keep a stash at home for a healthy snack as we’re all making a mad dash out the door to get my daughter to school on time. For myself, I prefer Detour protein bars: Low sugar, lowfat, high fiber and protein, and if I imagine really hard, and I’m hungry enough, I can convince myself it’s a Snicker’s bar!

Trick #2: I don’t have time to go to the gym, nor can we afford the added cost of a gym membership right now. So, I keep a library of assorted 20 and 30 minute workouts on DVD, and I pop one in first thing in the morning to rev up my energy, burn calories and add strength and tone to my body. Since I get bored easily, I like to switch them up. Here are a couple of my faves:

 Both workouts are 30 minutes or less, and I see results, even though I only do them three days a week. Plus, both women are inspiring without being annoying. It is also good for my kids to see my effort in being healthy and active, and they enjoy crawling under me when I’m doing a “bridge” or they play with my hand-weights in between sets, which I allow them to do, until they start swinging them at eachother. Leading by example to have a good body-image, providing entertainment for the kids, while keeping me in a bikini for one more summer- a definite win-win situation in my book!

Trick #3: Certain Dri deodorant and anti-perspirant:

 Not that I’ve ever really noticed sweating very much, but I tried this little gem, and I don’t sweat at all…even after working out, at work, or dancing- never! Plus- if you shower the night before, and put this on right after- it lasts into the next day, saving you an extra step in the morning. Plus- you will never check your trendy turtleneck for emberrassing underarm spots, because there won’t be any! I also like that it is unscented- no “flower meadow” or “spring rain” powdery smell to interfere with my Chanel perfume!

Trick #4: “Fake Tan in a Can”: Every woman would love to know the answer to the question, “How do I lose 5 lbs. in 5 minutes?” Here it is- fake tan in a can! It contours the definition of your muscles and highlights your curves and makes your boobs look bigger and sexier- sounds like a girl’s best friend to me! There are many options from drugstore to salon, from $8 to $38- I’ve tried them all. The trick to all of them is to make sure you have exfoliated your whole body, do not apply body lotion before applying the tanner, wash your hands, and let your body dry at least 15 minutes before getting dressed. I don’t care if the can says “dries quickly”, wait the full 15 minutes! I have dressed too quickly only to discover later that my bra has soaked up the tanner, and now I am left with half-moon, pasty- pale crescents under my boobs- not so sexy! Learn from my mistake.

I hope that at least one of my tricks has helped you to become a sassier, sexier, more confident Mom-on-the-go! Stay tuned for more tricks this Halloween season! I’m full of “smoke and mirrors” tips and secrets, and will be sharing more soon…

One small disclaimer, I did not try the actual “Smooth Away” product. What I tried was Smooth Silky Leg, a knockoff of Smooth Away that I bought from a vendor at the county fair. Why the lack of punctuation for “legs” on the box wasn’t a dead giveaway that I probably shouldn’t trust the quality of the product inside, is a whole ‘nother story! In my post titled “Fair Market Value?” a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned having a couple of beers, then walking through the commercial building, and I warned my dear readers not imbibe, and then walk through a building where hundreds of people are trying to sell you stuff that seems really miraculous! Here’s the backstory:

After drinking two $12 beers (no that is not a typo- you read correctly, $12, each, PER beer) at the fair, we decided to take a stroll the commercial building. The one where every infomercial you have ever seen is represented live and in person- the Shamwows, the super cool mop that picks up dog food, the magnetic bracelets that cure you from arthritis, syphillis, brain damage, or whatever the hell else might possibly ail you, the Tempurpedic beds, and of course, the knock-off Smooth Away.

I walk up to the booth, where this drop-dead gorgeous gal is demonstrating on another woman’s arm, how to use the product. The customer who’s arm is being “smoothed” is in awe of how incredibly easy and painless this process is, and exclaims,”I love it! No water, no shaving cream- that’s amazing! I’ll buy two- one for me, one for my sister!” And with that, she plunks down 40 bucks into the demonstrator’s hot little hand, and walks away gleefully. The beautiful demonstrator, who was all of 23, maybe 25 tops, then gracefully moved onto the next curious customer, “would you like to try it?” she asks in a very seductive manner,  ”Sure!” the lady in front of me quips, “it doesn’t hurt?” she asks, a tad concerned, “Oh, no- it’s like filing your nails, but nicer, because as it removes the hair, it gently exfoliates at the same time. ” “How nice…like a facial for your legs!” the customer beams, and juts out her arm for the demonstrator to “smooth”. In a couple swirls one way, then a couple the other way, a one-inch by one-inch section of the customer’s arm is perfectly smooth. “That is so soft!” The customer exclaims as she rubs her fingertip over the quarter-sized patch of freshly de-fuzzed and “exfoliated” skin. “I’ll get five of those! One for me, the rest for my bridesmaids!” Then plucks out her credit card, and hands it to the gal, and charges $100 worth of “Smooth Silky Leg”, as the demonstrator is pleased as punch that she’s just sold nearly $200 worth of sandpaper and plastic, basically large nail files, to unsuspecting customers.

Then tipsy ol’ me comes along, skeptical. “So, how does it work?” I ask, as the doe-eyed demonstrator begins to lift up the side of her own skirt, just enough to show the unblemished, cellulite-free side of her 23-year-old, perfectly smooth thigh, “Just like this, gently swirl the pad one way, then change directions, and that’s it. That’s all I do!” At this point, she’s definitely grabbed the Husband’s attention, along with 30 other guys who are now tugging their wives toward the “Smooth Silky Leg” booth. The Husband asks her, “Does it work on men too?” “Well, not on facial hair, or coarse hair, but” she coos, as she gently touches his chest with her finger tip, “anywhere else, it works like a charm” she hisses in a throaty tone, and adds a little wink for good measure. She can sense that I’m still skeptical, so she adds, “Just think of all of the shoes you can buy with the money you’ll save on razor blades and shaving cream.” She had me at “shoes”!  I handed over my $20 bill, grabbed my bag, thanked the gal, and walked away with visions of silky, fuzz-free legs and bikini areas dancing in my head- no more bumps, redness, money wasted on blades and cream….hairless perfection!

Tune in for the actual review of Smooth Silky Leg…

Fake Bake is the first sunless tanner that I have used that gave me golden, even coverage on my first attempt. In addition, it didn’t have that yucky chemical smell that we all know is the chemicals reacting with your skin to produce the color, but it always reminds me of cat pee- gross. So, to find a tanner that has a pleasant smell and maintains a pleasant smell is surely a bonus! Also, the Fake Bake has a nice “instant” tan as you spray it on, which really helps to guide you while applying the product.

First thing you want to do before applying any self tanner, is shower, and exfolliate. Every different brand says that you should use their exfolliant first- in my experience, as long as you are exfoliating with something that is oil-free, and doesn’t leave a residue that will inhibit the sunless tanner, you’re golden, well, at least getting there! With a spray formula, such as Fake Bake, you will want to apply the tanner in your shower- not while the water’s running, or you’ll get streaks. But, definitely within the shower, or else you will end up sunless tanning everything in your bathroom- not a fun mess to clean up, I assure you! Spray in long, even strokes over your body, then rub in any “blotches”. For your back- a little trick I learned is to spray all that you can reach, then for the middle part that most of us can’t reach, bend at the waist like a tabletop, spray the tanner into the air above your back, then hold still, and it should fall pretty evenly onto your back. Or, you can ask someone to spray your back for you, always a novel idea!

Once you’re all laquered up, give yourself 15 minutes before getting dressed, wash your hands and soles of your feet with soap and water, so you don’t get orange Oompa Loompa stains on them. And, lastly, this will sound funny, but blow your nose. All of the little tanning particles from the spray will collect, and if you don’t heed my advice, you will get to wherever you’re going, and have brown nostrils, and people will point and laugh, and you will say, “I should have listened to Kristin’s advice!” Then I will point and laugh and say “I told you so”! Because that’s what friends are for.

The other little trick that I loved was using a tinted moisturizer with sunscreen. When it’s already sticky outside, no one wants to slather their face with moisturizer, sunscreen, then make-up! I used Olay Definity Color Recapture, Light/Medium, - a light coverage foundation and built- in, moisturizer with spf 15, for a flawless, goop-free look!