“Life shouldn’t be printed on dollar bills”.  ~Clifford Odets

That is my belief when it comes to money… and that the more you make, the more you spend, and that you will always have debt, and owe something to someone, so not to let finances get in the way of living life. I know firsthand that I have a less than healthy attitude toward money. I’ve read the Suze Orman books, I’ve read several “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” books, I know what the experts say, and what money should be, and how it should be respected, but I still loathe it. I am disguested when there’s “not enough” of it to do something I want to do, especially if it will enrich my life, or my children’s. I despise when it is money that causes a huge canyon to rip through what is generally a happy, loving and healthy relationship with the Husband. I can easily state that 99% of our fights are wretchedly rooted beneath a discussion about money, or lack thereof.

Why is that? It is said that money is one of the top five reasons that people file for divorce. Sometimes it’s “money infedelity”- where one spouse spends wrecklesly, while lying or covering it up to the other. Sometimes, it’s just that two can’t agree on money, so they just fight about it incessantly, or ignore it all together, until it just snowballs out of control, and then they’re in so much debt and financial dispair that they can’t even get their heads above water to create a solution.

According to financial advisor and guru, Dave Ramsey, there are ways to talk about money in a marriage. The following outline is a guide that I think is particularly helpful:

Don’ts

• Don’t attack your spouse
• Don’t bring other issues into the conversation
• Don’t accuse by saying “you never” or “you always”
• Don’t assume that the person who makes all the money has all the say so in how it’s spent.

Do’s

• Have difficult money talks when it’s convenient for both of you. If your partner is tired or involved with something else, wait until a better time.
• Discuss your attitudes about money and encourage your partner to do the same. It will help the two of you understand some of the deep-rooted issues that are causing conflict.

Easier said than done, but good advice, nonetheless.

Have you ever had a friendship with someone that you’ve had for many years- they are a huge part of your life, you’ve shared countless memories and moments with them, maybe they’re considered as close as family? Have you ever grown apart from a close friend, or decided that the friendship is no longer a two-way street, or that this person has become a less than positive addition to your life? If you have ever had to let go of a friendship that you once held very dear, then you can truly relate to my quest for how to let go of a friendship that is no longer adding value to your life.

I am the type of person that hangs on to everything! I saved my blouse that I wore on my first date with the Husband, I saved my wedding shoes (yes- the gaudy ones with the sequin butterflies- don’t even ask), I save every card or letter from any family member or loved one for the past twenty-five years, and I have three pairs of jeans that are size 00 at the top of my closet- God knows I’ll never wear those again! But, I’m just sentimental- it’s hard for me to let go. It’s especially hard for me to let go of people in my life- I want to be friends with everyone! Ex-boyfriends, school aquaintances, they are all sentimental to me, so it’s hard to let them go.  But there have been times that I’ve had to, and I’ve lived to tell about it, so I guess it wasn’t so bad. But when it comes to a friendship that has spanned over twenty years, where do you start?

I had to do some significant research and soul searching in order to find some answers. I came accross an article by Elizabeth Scott, M.S.,  a writer and couple’s therapist that I respect. The article said that when you are in the process of letting go of a friendship, you have to ask yourself the following questions about this person:

• Is this relationship worth the amount of work required to maintain it?
• Is this a person I would choose to have in my life if we just met today? Or have I been holding onto this relationship out of habit?
• Does this person make me feel good about myself? Am I uncomfortable around them?
• Is this friend competitive with me in a negative way?
• Do I like who I am when I’m with them? Or do we seem to bring out the worst in each other?
• How deeply can I trust this person? Could I count on them if I needed to? Could I share my feelings freely?
• Do we have common interests and values? If not, do I benefit from the differences?
• Am I receiving as much as I give?
• If I gave this relationship the effort it deserves, would it benefit me and enrich my life?

Out of the nine questions, only one of them, could I honestly answer “yes” to. I was suprised by my emotion while forcing myself to truthfully answer these questions- it was just easier to deal with the negativity and stay friends with this person out of habit. But this person did bring out the worst in me, she does compete with me in a negative way, and for the worse, this person did not make me fee good about myself. I was incredibly uncomfortable around her, and I constantly watched every little step and word while in her presence. Our friendship was no longer give an take, it wasn’t even give or take- it was just negative. Now that I’ve realized that I really need to do something about this negativity in my life, I was ready to move forward, but how?

I came accross a quote that spoke volumes to me, “To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.” The lightbulb went off in my head- I am not responsible for my toxic friend’s feelings, actions, or concerns, and I can’t get in the middle of arranging how I hope to feel, or the outcome. I just need to have a clean break, have little to no association with this person, and let it go. Others affect their own destiny, I affect mine. The longer I choose to let this person wreak havok in my life, take up my time with my family, cause arguements and hurt feelings, then I am chosing for my destiny to be tainted with thoughts of anger, resentment and frustration.

The writer and more dramatic and sentimental side of me is now crying out, “But what if something happens, and you never forgive yourself for severing this friendship?!?” I have been thinking about that…a lot. This time, I  am chosing the path that I will never forgive myself if I don’t do something about this person affecting my life so negatively. It is time, and I am ready. I expect that it will be difficult, but the pain that this person inflicts upon me by her snide, critical comments and negativity has been more difficult to bear. I intend not to dwell on the past, but to look forward to the strength that I will gain from overcoming this situation, the knowledge that I will learn from going through this process, and for the relief that will come with forgiveness and letting go.

On a final note:

“Trying creates impossibilities,
letting go creates what is desired.”    ~Stalking Wolf, Apache elder