When one asks what you’re thankful for during this Thanksgiving season, it is very common to blurt out the obvious: family, friends, good health, etc. So, I took it upon myself to think about the everyday things that I use, I rely on, I count on to make me the woman, mother, and otherwise goddess that I am. Here is my first annual “Of course I’m thankful for my friends and family, but I couldn’t live my life without my___________” list:

Sunless tanner: Oh, my bronze friend- thank you for making my ass look less flabby and for disguising my cellulite. Thank you for faking that I have toned abs and golden gams!

 Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy Push-up Bra: Thank you for helping me to pretend that I have the perfectly perky and forward pointing boobs that I had before I had kids. Thank you for coming with 1/2″ thick pads for me to place my doughy breasts on to make it look like either I’m 23 and a DD, or that I’ve spent $6,000 on a new set.

Kegels: Thank you, Dr. Sara, my OB/Gyn for both pregnancies, for instilling in me the importance of doing kegels. Thank you to myself for doing them, and for allowing me to sneeze and laugh without peeing on myself. Thank you God for designing women’s bodies so that you can do Kegels without anyone knowing- I think it’s always an adventure to see how many I can do, say, in line at the grocery store, or at a stoplight. Someday, I intend to learn how to do them without holding my breath, so that I can be doing them while talking to someone- could be you!

Wine: Thank you for giving me solstice at the end of a crazy day with my kids. Thank you for being so soothing, calming, nurturing. Thank you for having lots of fans, so that I’m always busy at work! Thank you for making me laugh, and for allowing me to think that I really do sound like Robert Plant when I sing Led Zeppelin when I’m drunk at karaoke.

Adhesive Breast Petals: Thank you for allowing me to go braless in revealing dresses that are made for 20-something girls who’s nipples still point forward. Thank you for masking unsightly “headlights”, and letting me go one more year wearing skimpy shit that a woman my age probably shouldn’t be wearing in the first place.

Jeans with lycra: Thank you for being so stretchy, and for allowing me to pretend that I still wear a size 4. Thank you for being made with a button with a metal rivet, so that I can keep pretending I’m a size that I’m actually two sizes larger than, and use a rubberband around the rivet and through the buttonhole to give me an extra inch around the middle. Thank you zipper for putting up with my constant pulling up with a set of pliars.

My Hairstylist: Thank you for letting me fake being blonde for so many years. Thank you for cutting my hair so that it looks thicker than it is, and coloring it so that it looks “natural”.

Candles: Thank you for making my house smell so good, and making it look so festive and elegant. Thank you also for your “airbrushing” properties- everyone looks hotter, younger, thinner in candlelight (and after a couple of glasses of wine)!

Spanx: Thank you for sculpting my thighs and ass and making it look like I just spent two hours at the gym. Thank you for having cut-off legs so that I can wear you under a short dress, and no one knows I’m wearing sausage casing that keeps all my lumps and bumps smooth under a slutty little black dress. I’ll thank you more next year if you come out with a version that allows me to breathe while wearing, or even better, come out with a crotchless version (it’s like a wrestling match with myself trying to get the damn things off and on in a bathroom stall…again thankful to Kegels)!

God: For allowing me to be a mom/woman/warrior who’s boobs may sag a little and butt may jiggle a little, but for giving me a body that can give birth to a human being and still be able to sneeze without peeing down my legs. And thank God for creating other women who come up with brilliant inventions like Spanx, or nipple covers. And mostly, thank God for the gift of laughter and humor!

Have a most fabulous Thanksgiving!

The other day, my pal Amber and I were talking about a family member’s memorial, and how they had a “casket free” burial (I’d never heard of such a thing!), and we went on to discuss what we want for ourselves when we eventually pass on, since everybody does- it’s only natural to think about it once in a while. I know it’s kind of morbid and eerie to ponder, but I think everyone should have written somewhere, whether it’s a formal will, or just a piece of paper in their dresser drawer, what they wish for themselves and their families after they are gone. Not necessarily financial stuff, or “so-and-so gets this”, but what you want for your body, and your funeral or memorial. A lot of people think, “I’m dead and gone- who cares?” That’s great for them, but for the people who it matters to, how you’re remembered, and how you leave your mark on the world- it’s important to think about!

When my Grandma passed away in 2004, all three of her daughters, and myself, being the eldest granddaughter, knew exactly what she wanted for her and her memorial when she was gone. She was not afraid of death, and talked openly on several occasions about what she wanted to be done at that time. We all knew that she wanted to be cremated. She would joke that there’s no way in hell that she’d want to have an open casket, where all these people could stare at some fat, dead old lady (her exact words)! She didn’t want people crying and being sad- she wanted to go out with a bang- “have a party for me”, she said! So, we did exactly that- we had a sweet memorial service- mostly lighthearted, a few jokes were even made, most stories were loving and wonderful memories of the amazing woman she was. Sure, there were tears, but few in comparison to the smiles and laughter at stories that were being shared, and songs that were sung. We had the party catered by my Grandma’s favorite chinese food restaurant, and it was a beautiful day that I know she appreciated, as did all of us.

Grandma Pat

So, in keeping with my Grandma’s tradition, I want my loved ones to have the piece of mind to know what my wishes are for myself, when that day comes- and hopefully it’s 50-60 years from now, but so that they all know- here it is: I do know that I want to be cremated. Caskets, vaults, cemetarty plots- all that jazz is so expensive! And for what? It’s not like a hot pair of Christian Louboutin heels that make you look 10 lbs. thinner, and your legs 6″ longer- it’s a box for crying out loud! A box to go in the ground, and have dirt cover it- not fun, not sassy, not at all something that leaves a legacy that describes me. So, folks and friends- save the money that would be spent on all that, and this is what I want instead: Take “me”, meaning my ashes and the mason jar, ziploc bag, urn, or whatever they’re contained in, and book a cruise to the Carribbean! Pack “me” in your suitcase (I’ll try not to spill out on your underwear, or toothbrush- I promise), and board ship! Some of my best times have been on cruises with my family, the Husband and my kids- so this would be perfect! Wait until the ship is out past Cozumel (I do not want to R.I.P. in Mexico, for sure!), then right before you pull into port in the Cayman Islands, on that night, around midnight, stand at the top of the ship (where the topless optional sundeck is, on the 12th deck- I know all about that, but that’s a whole ‘nother story), and on the count of three, after a champagne toast- “WOOSH”! Just throw the whole thing overboard! No “scattering” necessary- the other guests would probably not appreciate my kind of “confetti”! Then I can rest in peace in one of my favorite locations in the world, and my loved ones can go back to karaoke on the Lido deck, and think about me and how fabulous I am for saving them $4,000 on a casket and plot and funeral, and just talk all about how funny I was, how I loved to sing and dance, and vacation with my family. That would be the perfect memorial for me! So- don’t say I didn’t tell you! It’s all here in black and white- no excuses! I’m making it known that if I end up at some funeral parlor, a dead, fat old lady in a box with people crying and staring at me- you had better believe I WILL haunt your ass!