It honestly took me fifteen minutes to stop laughing after doing the “Flirty Girl Fitness” DVD. It was very fun, hilarious, actually- unless you really are a stripper, then I’m sure this is all old hat to you! As for me, I am a novice to the strip-tease world, the hip-hop-booty-shaking world, and generally the dance world, other than my reigning favorite form of exercise: bellydancing.

Now, one would think that a bellydancer would easily pick up these moves being thrown out by the “Flirty Girls”, but no. I didn’t. At all. The first DVD, called “Booty Beat” (try to contain yourself, here), is a fun, heart- pumping dance routine. If you’re 5′10″, hair down to your waist, a 34D, size 2, perfect abs and tan, like all of the “Flirty Girls” are, then these moves look super duper sassy and hot! However, if you’re like me, and have at least 10 lbs. to lose, and this is your first intro to moves like “the Booty Bump”, “the Pussycat”, and the “Spank”, you might at first feel a little silly doing all of these moves. God knows I did! But, as ridiculous as I felt, I found myself laughing and smiling the whole time- which is a great bonus to just sweaty, plain ol’ cardio. The only downside to any “pole-dancing-stripper-routine” DVD is that you can’t do it while you’re kids are around. The last thing I need is my Daughter doing “the Bootie Bump”, or my Son trying to copy “the Party Girl”! So- if you go for it, do it while the kids are napping or at school- as for me, I’m not doing it in front of anyone but the cat until I have some of these moves mastered!

After I finished the “Booty Beat” DVD, I was feeling all sexy and empowered, and I thought I would move onto the “Chair Dance” DVD. Be forewarned here, friends- do not attempt the chair routine until you have mastered the art of being stripperrific, are super flexible, and can feel really sexy doing some seriously crazy-slutty moves! Do not do as I did, and skip straight to the chair routine- get the first one down for a few days, then move on. Learn from my mistake….

So, I put on the chair DVD, and the skinny, tan, flat-as-a-board abs, perfectly endowed instructor purrs, “You’ll never look at your kitchen chair the same…” Allow that to be a warning, Ladies! So, I continue on with the DVD, “walk unassumingly around the chair, sit with your back arched…” So far so good. “Do a sexy stretch….” I can do that alright…”Stand up to the side of the chair, kick your left leg over the back of the chair, straddle, and sit”….I’m a dancer, right? So, I just follow along….except, I realize midway through kicking my left leg up and over the back of the chair, that it was not going to clear the top of the back of the chair. So, not only did I topple over the back of the chair, I lost my balance, landed on the now upside-down chair on my hip, and have a huge bruise on my ass to show for it. Notice, there are no pictures of the “Chair Dance” workout…nor will there be. The “Chair Dance” is intended to be somewhat of an ab/core workout, but mostly for you to learn the art of  chair dancing, in order to show it to your significant other. I wouldn’t dream of making such an ass out of myself in front of the Husband, until I am a Master Chairdancer! Then, I can graduate, and move up the ranks to “Poledancer”.

 It’s then and only then, I will graduate from bashing myself on an overturned chair, to breaking my neck trying to climb upsidedown on a pole in my living room…..Stay tuned!

I truly love my daughter (who is five), but I’m afraid that on a day like today- I am either going to have to lock her in her room, and stick earphones on so that I can’t hear her sassy smart mouth, or “Wine-thirty” is going to have to be moved up a few hours to “Noon is the new happy hour”. I don’t know where she gets it!?! (I know my mom is reading this right now, and smiling very satisfyingly, thinking “payback’s a bitch, aint it”)!

I have never questioned my parenting skills more than I have today- from the minute she woke up this morning, she has been wreaking havoc on me, her brother, and the house. I feel like such an ass for thinking this way, and I try to tell myself that I am very fortunate to have my healthy, strong-willed daughter, when there are parents who have children with cancer, or have lost kids, and would give their life to have just one more second with their child. But, all that only goes so far- when I have a five year old screaming , “I hate you, you stupid butt-head jerk!” to my face. Other than the very non-P.C. reaction of smacking her accross the room (which I would never do, but have certainly been tempted), I try to take her by the hand and put her in time-out, at which time whe slams the door, and screams it again! At this time, rather than reach for either a Xanax, a wooden spoon, a bottle of wine, or a combination of all three, I decided to take a deep breath, and do some research.

My mom told me about a book that she read when she was a young mother dealing with a very strong-willed, disobedient, mouthy child (certainly one of my siblings), called “the Strong-Willed Child”. So, I looked it up, and found that there is a new edition, so it is now called The New Strong-Willed Child.Perhaps, since thirty years has passed since my mom read it, children have become even mouthier, and parents aren’t allowed to make them eat soap or spank them with wooden spoons without getting a visit from CPS- so a new version had to be written to guide the newer parents with less options and brattier, less disciplined kids- that’s my theory!

One of the first sentences that I came accross grabbed me, “You should not blame yourself for the temperament with which your child was born. She is simply a tough kid to handle, and your task is to match her stride for stride.” Wow….wish I would have taken that advice three years ago! I blame myself about five hundred times a day for her saying bad words, being so angry, hitting her brother…I constantly ask myself questions, trying to find the rationale like, “Maybe it’s because I didn’t make her oatmeal like she wanted this morning, and I took a shortcut and gave her a cereal bar- that is why she is so angry and resentful and says “I hate you!” I am a shitty mom, and I need to take more time for my children’s needs.”

Dobson went on to say, ” I am convinced that there is no other true source of confidence in parenting. There is not enough knowledge in the books, mine or anyone else’s, to counteract the evil that surrounds our kids today. We must bathe them in fervent prayer when we are in our prayer closet, saying words similar to these…” The good doctor goes on to write a beautiful prayer for parents to pray for their children.

I am left in bewilderment- first of all- I don’t have a “prayer closet”- do you? Maybe that’s the problem- I have a bathroom that my kids barge into all the time while I’m peeing, and mid-stream, I yell at them “close the door, I’m peeing! It can wait ’til I get out!” and then try to commence streamage. Not quite a sanctuary…but a “prayer closet” is a grand idea! That way, when my strong-willed child acts up, calls her brother a jackass, or screams “I hate you” at me, I can just go in my prayer closet (fully stocked of course with earphones, a scented candle, a bottle of wine, a wine-opener, a glass, some chocolate), and pray for the will of my profanity-screaming, shoe-throwing daughter to not be so strong, while I listen to Led Zeppelin, and tell God how thankful I am for creating the man (or woman?) that invented the fermenting of fruit to make alcohol, oh, and of course, for the health of my children and my family…then I would emerge a new woman, ready to face my strong-willed child! Brilliant idea- the prayer closet- I’m writing the Husband a note right now: “pick up deadbolt for my new prayer closet….doctor’s orders.”

Alright- so I need to work on my Spanish a little, but I’ll have plenty of opportunity to do so in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, which is where I will be for the next week, with the whole fam! When I get back, I promise to have lots of funny stuff to tell you, and little tips and tricks about how to get through an airport with two toddlers, how to not get so drunk in Senor Frog’s that you end up laying on the tile bathroom floor (that’s a story that we affectionately call the “Just One Margarita Incident”), and how to get through a week of Griswold-style family fun with your sanity (and marriage) still intact!

Bon Voyage!