How do toxic people infect your life?

We have all been there….an inevitable crossroads in life, where you start to think about letting go of friendships or relationships that are toxic. Perhaps it is a co-worker who constantly belittles you by making comments and snide remarks. Maybe it’s a friend of yours, that no matter how much advice or support you lend her, she is still always in need of more advice or support from you because she keeps making decisions that are detrimental to her well-being.  As busy mothers, it is essential that we do not let the toxicity of others seep into our daily lives and effect our families or marriages. Easier said than done, right!?!

I’ve done a lot of research on this topic, since I have been involved in toxic relationships that literally had me questioning my own sanity. I thought I was losing it, I thought that I needed to become a raving bitch because maybe I’m just too sensitive, and I’ve considered refilling my perscription for Zoloft, so at least I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about what people were saying or thinking of me anyway, because I would be on my ”happy pills”! What I’ve come to discover in my research, is that the problem was not me, it was that I was surrounding myself with toxic people!

What is a toxic person? Dr. Ben Kim helps to point out a few specific characteristics of a toxic person:

“Generally speaking, I think it’s safe to say that a person is toxic to your health if his or her behavior makes you feel bad on a regular basis. What follows are specific patterns of behavior that I believe fall into the ’toxic-to-your-health’ category”:

1. Attempting to intimidate you by yelling or becoming violent in any manner (slamming a door is a violent act).
2. Consistently talking down at you, sending the message that he or she is just plain better than you.
3. Regularly telling you what he or she thinks is wrong with you.
4. Slandering others behind their backs i.e. trying to engage you in gossip that is hurtful to others.
5. Spending the bulk of your conversations complaining about his or her life and others.
6. Discouraging you from pursuing your interests and dreams.
7. Attempting to take advantage of your kindness and resources, and trying to make you feel guilty if you don’t do what he or she wants.

Do you know of people in your life that fit this bill? I certainly do!  The next question is, how do we not let their negativity affect our lives? Why do we have a knee-jerk reaction and feel compelled to respond to their snide remarks, or hurtful comments? How do I feel after spending time with a toxic person?  Here is what I learned from Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist who practices in Beverly Hills, CA, “I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you — sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you.” That makes a lot of sense to me….so now that I’ve identified who these people are in my life, how do I keep them from letting their toxicity affect me? In a nutshell, here is what I’ve learned:

• Set boundaries- only be around this toxic person if you absolutely have to (i.e.- work meeting, family gathering). Resist the temptation to “make things better” by going out of your way to spend time with this person.
• Surround yourself with positive people, who genuinely support and nurture you, and want the best for you. Like attracts like!
• Keep your ego out of it! From one of my favorite advice websites,  www.thinksimplenow.com, some fabulous words on not letting your ego get the best of you: “When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?” Brilliant words of advice that I surely intend to follow!
• Protect your health: Know that toxicity and negativity can be hurtful to your health and well-being. Love yourself enough to keep it away from you, just as you would if someone were sick with the flu, or had a hacking cough- you wouldn’t just go sit right next to them, cozy up and share some laughs, right? 
  

  Protect yourself!

  Same with a toxic person- don’t even give them the opportunity to infect you!

I came accross a wonderful quote once that I remind myself of every time I have a hard time not responding to, or dealing with a difficult or toxic person, “Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak.  Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” I intend to give up on reacting to those who are toxic in my life, to let go of trying to please everyone, and forgive the ones who hurt me the most. Instead of giving into the urge that I have after a dose of a toxic friend to crack a bottle of wine and down two glasses, while giving the Husband, or first friend to answer the phone, a huge earful of what “so-and-so did today”, I intend to let it go, which reduces their power over me, to nothing.

Do you have people who negatively affect you and your life? What steps are you going to take to let it go, and relinquish their power over you? I would love to hear your comments and thoughts, and I wish you the best in dealing with this difficult situation! Some helpful resources: Toxic Friends True Friends: How Your Friendships Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career, by Florence Isaacs, www.thinksimplenow.com, and www.drbenkim.com.

Even though I will never have washboard abs, or the long sinewy gams of a ballerina, I do like to try to stay in shape. With two little critters, my writing, and my job, it’s nearly impossible to find time to work out! So, we canned the gym membership, and I’ve been taking walks with my mom and my kids, and trying to squeeze in a 20 minute Pilates or Yoga routine here and there, but really felt kind of uninspired, and I still had to lay down on my bed to zip up my favorite pair of jeans (after I broke two belt loops trying to pull them up in the first place).

Then I came accross Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred!

Jillian Michaels – 30 Day Shred

This gal is well known amongst people who watch “The Biggest Loser”, which I’ve never seen. But, what caught my attention, even over my two kids screaming and fighting with eachother in the shopping cart at Target, was the fact that each workout contained cardio, strength training and ab work, and it only took 20 minutes for the whole thing! Love that! With a family vacation in June, I need something quick, but results-driven. So, I thought I’d give it a try.

I came home, put my kids down for their nap, threw my sweatpants and a sportsbra on, laced up my gym shoes (after I looked all over the house for them, and found them under my daughter’s bed filled with beads from a broken necklace- fabulous), and put on Jillian. In the first few seconds, as she comes out, she introduces me to these young, skinny bitches who’s bodies have never seen a stretch mark or ate a Cheeto, but within seconds, I was not focusing on the negative, and my heart was racing!

I was hooked! Jillian is very good about teaching you about proper alignment and posture so that you don’t injure yourself, and the skinny broads are actually super athletic and muscular, and they made me break a sweat, for sure! Jillian is also super encouraging and mentions that it takes hard work to see results in 20 minutes, and that it’s a short time, but she’s packing a ton of training into that time, in order to ensure results. The twenty minutes went by real fast, the music was upbeat, and Jillian had inspired me!

In a nutshell, if you’re looking for something calming and soothing, stick with Denise Austin, but if you’re ready for a workout that definitely succeeds at boosting your heartrate, challenging your muscles, and incorporates some great boxing sessions to punch out any pent-up aggression, all in 20 minutes: Jillian’s your go-to gal!

Before any party, playdate, or gathering, I often find myself asking the Mom that is hosting the event, “What can I bring to the party?” Every time I ask that question, my mind reels back to being a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 22-year-old sales manager, listening to a motivational speaker stress the importance of “bringing something to the party”, when attending a meeting or company event to make yourself known and be recognized.

As a Mom, I often ask the question “What I can bring to the party” in a literal sense, but lately I’ve got to thinking about it, and we all need to utilize our gifts and talents, and bring them all to the party- especially when charting a course outside of our comfort zones. Sometimes it’s scary to look beyond the safe and predictable environment that we’re in, for example, if you’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the past five years, and now you are venturing back into the workforce. Or if you’re a working mom, and you are switching gears and beginning the journey as a stay-at-home mom. Either way, you’re most likely wondering what you can bring to the party in your new role.

When I delved into my role as a writer and public speaker, I was terrified that after being a stay-at-home mom/waitress/bellydancer for the past five years that I wouldn’t have too many valuable assets or skills to offer at any party being hosted by successful entrepreneurs and executives. Should I bring my well-honed skills of facillitating time-outs? How about my multi-tasking abilities that allow me to talk to my mother-in-law, check my Facebook, and make PB&J sandwiches for my kids all at the same time?

In order to really find the guts, and grow the balls, so to speak, I made up my mind that I would just bring MYSELF, as real and honest and genuine as I could be, I realized that THAT is what I was bringing to the party! And before I knew it, I was surrounded by these women that I’ve admired, and they were patting me on the back and offering me support and advice! My multi-tasking would come in handy, my ability to be consistent is appreciated, and my sense of humor would fill in any cracks or crevices!

Do you have times where you wonder what you can bring to the party? Are you afraid of letting others in to see the real, authentic you? We all are! We just don’t tell anyone else! I challenge you today to bring YOU to the party- no facade, no “perfect mom, brilliant kids, sparkling clean house” charades allowed! You’ll be amazed by the support and admiration you’ll get from the other “party guests” if you just bring the real you!

If I may share, one of my favorite quotes to help you with this new challenge:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anais Nin

So set down that Venti double-shot vanilla latte and go BLOSSOM!