Sitting with my kiddos watching yet another episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” (I swear- there is some kind of drug subliminally laced into shows on TLC- I can’t take my eyes off of them!), and on the show, an interracial couple is planning their beautiful wedding. My very insightful and charismatic 7-year-old pipes up, “Mom, before Martin Luther King was born, this wouldn’t be allowed. Good thing he had his birthday yesterday!” I beamed with pride at my intelligent and tolerant child. How insane it is to me, that less than 45 years ago, it was illegal for a black person and a white person to be married. Even more insane to me, is that in 2012, in California of all places, that gay marriage is not recognized. How is that possible?

Although you would never know it from my very liberal, bartender, belly-dancing, hedonistic, sinful, pleasure-seeking persona, I was raised as a very strict and Southern Baptist, roll-around-in-the-aisle “Hallelujah”-singing choir girl. I was the goodiest of goody-two-shoes. The bouncy song lyrics,  “Don’t drink, don’t Smoke, what do you do…. you don’t drink don’t smoke, what do you do,” by Adam Ant, rings through my mind as I think of myself before the age of 16- that song must have been written for me.  But then, I became a heathen- destined to eternal life in burning hell, because I let my boyfriend get to “third base” in the parking lot of my high school, after the Junior prom. That night, as I gingerly hung up my teal green satin and sequin mermaid gown with the ginormous bow at the hip, and matching bolero jacket with puffed sleeves, and brushed the Aqua Net out of my 4-inch-high, ratted bangs, I sobbed myself to sleep. I had sinned by making-out with my boyfriend, and I was convinced that I would be struck by lightning by God himself, before I woke to see the light of day the next morning.

Since those very sheltered, narrow-minded days, I have gone to college in San Francisco, lived in Los Angeles, had gay friends, bisexual friends, transgender friends, been divorced, been remarried, and have committed quite a plethera of “sins” over the past two decades. Thankfully, my family has grown with me, loved me, respected me, and accepted me, regardless of the different paths in life that I have chosen. Isn’t that what we all deserve? Does God create anyone just to live their lives waiting for the proverbial lightning bolt to strike them? Absolutely not, I say.

In the words of MLK himself, “Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” I  couldn’t agree more. It is hatred, ignorance and stupidity that keeps us from allowing every single human being enjoy and exercise the rights that we as all human beings deserve. Who are we to say that a little boy that was born with the mind and the identity of a little girl, doesn’t deserve to join the Girl Scouts? Who are we to say that two people don’t have the right to experience marriage because they are of the same sex, yet  there are many “traditional” male/female couples that  defile and disgrace the vows of their marriages (including many appointed leaders and politicians) all the live-long day? Every time that I hear of someone judging another person, or their lifestyle choices, another very important and relevant quote comes to mind- this one’s by the Big J.C. himself, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Enjoy finding your stones and your sins- I prefer to live life, and to love those living in it, and around it. Afterall, that is what the Bible told me so.

Celebs and normal, everyday folk alike, are jumping on board of a trend that fascinates me- vow renewal parties. Heidi Klum and Seal have reportedly renewed their vows and put on a huge wedding-like shindig on their anniversary every year of their five-year marriage. Overkill or simply keeping the romance alive?

Having been married over eight years myself, I have definitely witnessed first hand the “for better or for worse” that manages to weave through the delicate fabric that is marriage. Every year for our anniversary, the Husband and I celebrate another year of wedded bliss by going away, at least overnight, sometimes for the weekend, and we park the kiddos gratefully, at Grandma’s. But, in keeping with the new Vow renewal trend, it seems that our annual jaunt to San Francisco pales in comparison to what some couples have planned for their vow renewal parties.

Is a vow renewal just another reason to be the center of attention and throw a big huge party, or is it a reward for having spent every day of your waking life next to a person who chews his ice so loud while watching t.v. that you wonder how it is that he has any teeth at all, for the past eight years? I’m all for throwing a party, buuuuuuuuhhh-lieve me on that one, but should you get to have a complete wedding do-over after only one, two, or five years of marriage?

My jaw was on the sidewalk as I listened to (okay, eavesdropped on) a mom at the park telling her friend all about her upcoming vow renewal party with her husband of six years- “It’s at the Biltmore in Santa Barbara, and we have 140 guests, and I’m having my second dress fitting at Nordie’s next Wednesday, and ‘my girls’ are flying down next weekend for a champagne brunch and bridal shower, then to have their final dress fittings…” wait a minute, I thought, you’ve been married for six years, you’re your having an enormously elaborate party, complete with seven bridesmaids??? Are you kidding me right now? I was even more intrigued, and tuned-in with my canine-worthy, bartender and mother hearing capabilities and listened closer, “We’re having the bachelorette party in Vail, and since there aren’t any strip clubs actually in Vail, we are flying these guys in from Chippendale’s to give us a private show….” SHUT the front door- you get to have a bachelorette party for a vow renewal? Really? I continued to eavesdrop, “we are having Spago cater the shower and the party, even though it’s going to be about $290 per person, it’s totally worth it- I mean, we have been married for SIX whole years!” Try eight on for size, girlfriend, I wanted to say, but instead continued my spy mission, “….and then my husband suggested Restoration Hardware, which I didn’t even know had a bridal registry, but they do, so we registered there and Williams Sonoma too…” Before I could grab them back, the words just came bubbling up and out of my mouth, “Are you kidding me right now? You have two gift registries for a frickin’ vow renewal? Who DOES that???” I said aloud. Whoopsies. The mom looked at me in utter shock and surprise, and there was nothing I could say, but yell accross the playground, “Alright kids, who wants to go get Dairy Queen?” As my kids came running to follow me like a moth to a flame, I quickly turned and briskly walked to my car.

That night, after three glasses of Chardonnay, and a couple, or nine, episodes of “Say Yes to the Dress”, I was still thinking about the mom at the park and her lavish, insane vow renewal wedding/party/overt display of wealth and/or debt up to her eyebrows, and I was definitely becoming more of a Bitter Betty with each sip. Tipsily, I called out to the Husband, who was in the garage tinkering on his latest remote control obsession, “Come in here for a minute, I wanna ask you something…” I yelled through two walls from the corner of the couch, where I had been watching bride after bride parade around in all of their lacy white and beaded splendor for two and a half hours. “You’re still watching that?” he says as he points to the television. Without answering, I blurt out “I wanna vow renewal, I mean a party for our wedding, you know, for our vows, a party with a pretty dress and crown and girls and champagne and stuff!” I slur, as he looks at me with an expression more blank than a sheet of copier paper. “You know, for our voooooowwwws!” Nothing. I continued, “I mean,like a wedding, but another one, a newer one, for the vows?” I was hazily trying to plead my case. With no response, and like he was backing away from a rattlesnake that he encountered on a hiking trail, he slowly backed away from the couch where I was sitting, then turned back toward me, right before he stepped back into his safe man-cave haven that is the garage, and calmly stated very matter-of-factly, “we already had a wedding- we’re still married, silly!” And with that my hopes and visions of a vow renewal party were dashed upon the jagged boulders of reality.

Though I’ve shelved the idea of a vow renewal party in lieu of a trip to Italy for our 10 year anniversary, though more likely, it will be closer to our 15th anniversary that we’re able to take on such an expense. But, in all honesty, there is still a small part of me that is wondering if vows really are like the brakes on your car, where it’s unsafe to operate your vehicle without having them changed at a certain point, and if you don’t, it can lead to drastic consequences, or is it simply just another reason to throw a party?

Every married woman, with children, without children, with grown children, with grandchildren, needs to own a copy of this book! It should actually be handed to you as required reading when you go to get your marriage license, then you can get married after the preacher signs off that you’ve read it! Even though, “I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper”, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile is mostly geared toward “marriage after the baby carriage”, I found so much insightful information for any married couple- kids or no kids!

As in most of Nobile and Ashworth’s books, every couple of pages are dotted with hysterical “Dirty Little Secrets” from husbands and wives all over the country. Some of my favorites are: “The more acts of kindness you give me around this house that benefit me- the more likely that I will be in the mood. The more you do- the more we’ll screw.” Also, “His qualities are hiding behind the qualities I wish he had.”

Reading about how a LOT of women feel in their marriage, made me really discouraged at first. I am still amazed by the amount of women that would be perfectly happy living in a sexless marriage, even a woman in the book said, “If I could pay for someone to have sex with him, I would.” And it was also eye-opening to read about so many men feeling so misunderstood and like they don’t even exist, especially with a new baby in the house. One husband says, “The order of priority is: kids, house her, dog, and I’m somewhere pulling up the rear. It’s not a fun place to be now. I used to be first.”

Authors, Amy Ashworth and Trisha Nobile

Ashworth and Nobile go on to advise couples to reinvent date night. To try to get back some of the romance that you had when you first got married. The Husband and I try to have at least two date nights a month. With both of our crazy schedules, and then juggling two kids, it’s not always easy, but it’s NECESSARY- someday our kids will be grown, I don’t want to look at some old dude and wonder how we lost touch with eachother, and can we start from scratch- no! A relationship, especially after having children needs to be nurtured and tended to on a regular basis.

The Husband and I on a date night!

One chapter that I found particularly interesting was Chapter 2, which talks about reality versus expectations. So many people (I have done this myself) have grandiose ideas of what marriage should be like- clouded even further by the huge wedding industry that portrays a happy marriage only being attainable if you have this perfect fairytale $75,000 wedding, when in reality- the wedding is just a day, a marriage is supposed to be forever. Sometimes the expectations are ones that we as wives and mothers put upon ourselves, and sometimes they are expectations that we think our husband’s are expecting of us. I started my marriage as a young, stay-at-home mom. I was afraid to tell anyone how lonesome my days were, how much I missed talking to other adults, having a “corporate” job. I felt incredibly guilty for not having little bluebirds and stars dancing over my head as I carried through the tasks of a new stay-at-home mom with a beautiful baby. I would think to myself, “This is what I wanted, and now I have it, and it’s so damn hard, and I’m so lonesome, and I don’t even recognize myself anymore!” Unfortunately, it was nearly three years before I piped up and said something about it. When I finally got the nerve to share with the Husband how I was feeling, he said “I never expected you to have dinner made every night, and be all dressed up when I got home, with perfectly groomed and dressed little kids….I just want you to be happy.” It was then that I realized that I had put those expectations upon myself, and I was the one holding myself up to what I thought I should be like as a mother. Shortly after, I went to work two nights a week, bartending, made extra money, and met new friends, and we found a win-win solution for now. But, you have to SPEAK UP in your relationship- you are partners, not mind readers!

Which brings me to Chapter 4 titled, “Sister, He Ain’t Your Girlfriend!” A powerful chapter about more expectations. You can’t expect your husband to just GET you- you have to talk to him. Most men aren’t chatty. They won’t sit and have a glass of wine with you while you’re making dinner and ask a hundred questions about YOU. They only do that when you’re dating, and they want to get in your pants- once they do, they lose the ability to conversate all about you anymore. So- you have to just realize that men communicate differently than women. Husbands need to hear that they are appreciated too. Ashworth and Nobile suggest sending little text messages, e-mails, just little gestures to show them that they are noticed, appreciated and loved. In this chapter, there is a great section about “What He Says and What We Hear”- this was my lightbulb moment! Some of the phrases are:

He: “Do you need me to pick up milk or anything else?”

We Hear: “Is there no food in the house? Are you a totally incompetent mom?”

He says: “How was your day?”

We Hear: “Did you spend any quality time with the kids?”

SO TRUE! And to end with a few of my favorite things that many husbands said that they wished their wife knew (this part really melted my butter!):

“I wish my wife knew I understand that my worst day at work is better than her best day at home.” and “I wish my wife knew that I love her body even more now since she has given birth to our child.” All in all- any married individual, male or female can take away something from this book. It made me laugh alot, cry a little, and mostly, appreciate the fabulous husband that I have, especially when he makes me feel like such a fabulous wife, mother and woman. Never take eachother for granted, and try hard to see past the expectations into the laughter, stories and memories that the two of you shared before you were married, and remember why it is that you chose him.

Try to remember and appreciate why you chose eachother in the first place!