Isn’t it strange, how with all of the craziness going along with raising two children, sometimes, our bodies are programmed to still want more? In reality, if I found out I was pregnant right at this very second, I would probably check myself into the closest nuthouse! Yet, for some odd reason, I often find myself with the desire to have a third child…..am I crazy?

Recently, I read a quote from a mother who contributed to the book I Was a Really Good Mom Before I had Kids, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. The mother had said, “When we got married, we both thought we’d have at least three children. I recently sat down with my husband, and we decided that we are not going to have any more kids. It was hard to realize that two is our limit. So many of my friends are having three and four kids, and I’m like, ‘Why is three the new two?’ We decided that we just love eachother too much to have another baby. Since we’ve make that choice, it’s relieved so much pressure.” That saying, has really helped me to make peace with my body, my hormones, and my desire to have a third child. I have been blessed, then blessed with frosting on top, with one of each gender! That is enough to be thankful for!

I wonder if I was just born with some demented, innate desire to just keep on breeding? Why else would I want to subject myself to the strain that a third would definitely put onto my other two kids, our finances, my marriage, and needless to mention, our sex life? Maybe, I subconsciously think that a third baby would give me the opportunity to “do it right”. An opportunity to “enjoy my pregnancy”, to savor every second of  the bliss of having a newborn attached to my body 24-7, and the exhilarating sensation of blistered, bleeding nipples. Maybe I yearn to experience the thrill that it must be to have not only two, but three children screaming and fighting with each other in the backseat while I’m trying to drive in traffic, wagging my hand back and forth, pinching a nerve in my neck as I try to reach one kid, and see through windshield at the same time! That must be it!

Therefore, I have come to terms that I do love my family too much to add another baby to the mix. I love my kids enough to know that we can’t afford a bigger house, a bigger car, or even something as simple as a bigger dining table, to fit a family of five. I am insisting to myself that I do love my family too much to knowingly strain them, by fulfilling my own desire to have another child. I love my two kids too much to spend any more of their time with me, tossing my choices and decisions up in the air like rocks, allowing each one to painstakingly pelt me on top of the head, driving in their guilt and confusion, making me question my sanity.

In all honesty, I praise the mothers who can do it with three or more children. I also admire mothers of twins and other multiples. But, when it really comes down to it, if I had to find a way to feed one more little mouth, or hear one more child tattle on the other, or try to fit one more carseat into the backseat of my already cramped Camry, I think that I would end up writing this blog from Italy, where I would reside in a gutter, and be known as the “Impazzire Signora” which in English translates to “Lady who used to be a brilliant writer and mother until she had three kids and went insane and fled to Italy where she became a homeless, drunken street-rat”, and my blog would have to be changed to “From the bottom of the bottle…”

I guess it’s best to just stick with loving my family enough to be thankful for what I have, instead of wishing for what I don’t! Lesson learned….next on the to-do list, schedule a vasectomy for the Husband…..

How do toxic people infect your life?

We have all been there….an inevitable crossroads in life, where you start to think about letting go of friendships or relationships that are toxic. Perhaps it is a co-worker who constantly belittles you by making comments and snide remarks. Maybe it’s a friend of yours, that no matter how much advice or support you lend her, she is still always in need of more advice or support from you because she keeps making decisions that are detrimental to her well-being.  As busy mothers, it is essential that we do not let the toxicity of others seep into our daily lives and effect our families or marriages. Easier said than done, right!?!

I’ve done a lot of research on this topic, since I have been involved in toxic relationships that literally had me questioning my own sanity. I thought I was losing it, I thought that I needed to become a raving bitch because maybe I’m just too sensitive, and I’ve considered refilling my perscription for Zoloft, so at least I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about what people were saying or thinking of me anyway, because I would be on my ”happy pills”! What I’ve come to discover in my research, is that the problem was not me, it was that I was surrounding myself with toxic people!

What is a toxic person? Dr. Ben Kim helps to point out a few specific characteristics of a toxic person:

“Generally speaking, I think it’s safe to say that a person is toxic to your health if his or her behavior makes you feel bad on a regular basis. What follows are specific patterns of behavior that I believe fall into the ’toxic-to-your-health’ category”:

1. Attempting to intimidate you by yelling or becoming violent in any manner (slamming a door is a violent act).
2. Consistently talking down at you, sending the message that he or she is just plain better than you.
3. Regularly telling you what he or she thinks is wrong with you.
4. Slandering others behind their backs i.e. trying to engage you in gossip that is hurtful to others.
5. Spending the bulk of your conversations complaining about his or her life and others.
6. Discouraging you from pursuing your interests and dreams.
7. Attempting to take advantage of your kindness and resources, and trying to make you feel guilty if you don’t do what he or she wants.

Do you know of people in your life that fit this bill? I certainly do!  The next question is, how do we not let their negativity affect our lives? Why do we have a knee-jerk reaction and feel compelled to respond to their snide remarks, or hurtful comments? How do I feel after spending time with a toxic person?  Here is what I learned from Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist who practices in Beverly Hills, CA, “I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you — sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you.” That makes a lot of sense to me….so now that I’ve identified who these people are in my life, how do I keep them from letting their toxicity affect me? In a nutshell, here is what I’ve learned:

• Set boundaries- only be around this toxic person if you absolutely have to (i.e.- work meeting, family gathering). Resist the temptation to “make things better” by going out of your way to spend time with this person.
• Surround yourself with positive people, who genuinely support and nurture you, and want the best for you. Like attracts like!
• Keep your ego out of it! From one of my favorite advice websites,  www.thinksimplenow.com, some fabulous words on not letting your ego get the best of you: “When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?” Brilliant words of advice that I surely intend to follow!
• Protect your health: Know that toxicity and negativity can be hurtful to your health and well-being. Love yourself enough to keep it away from you, just as you would if someone were sick with the flu, or had a hacking cough- you wouldn’t just go sit right next to them, cozy up and share some laughs, right? 
  

  Protect yourself!

  Same with a toxic person- don’t even give them the opportunity to infect you!

I came accross a wonderful quote once that I remind myself of every time I have a hard time not responding to, or dealing with a difficult or toxic person, “Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak.  Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” I intend to give up on reacting to those who are toxic in my life, to let go of trying to please everyone, and forgive the ones who hurt me the most. Instead of giving into the urge that I have after a dose of a toxic friend to crack a bottle of wine and down two glasses, while giving the Husband, or first friend to answer the phone, a huge earful of what “so-and-so did today”, I intend to let it go, which reduces their power over me, to nothing.

Do you have people who negatively affect you and your life? What steps are you going to take to let it go, and relinquish their power over you? I would love to hear your comments and thoughts, and I wish you the best in dealing with this difficult situation! Some helpful resources: Toxic Friends True Friends: How Your Friendships Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career, by Florence Isaacs, www.thinksimplenow.com, and www.drbenkim.com.

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I were to go on strike…

The Husband walks in the door, I’m still in my pajamas from the night before, hair in a greasy ponytail, no make-up, legs and armpits unshaven-”Hi, Honey, how was your day?” He would ask, “it was just as it looks- I’m on strike”, as my messy, unbathed kids, still in their pajamas, messy hair, and dirty hands and faces run up to greet him. I wonder what he would think…

I wonder how dinner would get made…oh, I’m sure the first couple of nights they’d get pizza or go to Quizno’s for sandwiches, but all of that costs money…who would make the nutritious comfort food that is better for their bodies, and the pocketbook…..

I wonder who would remember to feed the cat, pay the rent, get the sister-in-laws birthday present, return the Grandfather’s phone call, schedule my Son’s 3 year doctor’s appointment…

I wonder if for just one day I didn’t care what I ate, or how much I weighed, or how my jeans were a tad too tight, or if I drink too much wine, or if I shouldn’t have had ice cream after dinner…

I wonder if I cared a little less what others thought of me- other moms, family members, co-workers. It might feel real good to look a snarky, catty friend who made a snide remark about how she thinks the purse I carry is out of date, or the earrings that I wore last week were tacky, and tell her straight to her face that I don’t give a shit what she thinks of me anymore, because I’m on strike…

I wonder how the party invitations for my Son’s party would get sent, or the thank you cards for my daughter’s birthday (a month ago) would get written and mailed, if the Easter baskets were filled, the eggs dyed, the sliced fruit picked up for Easter brunch- would it all just magically appear to ensure a memorable Easter for my kids?

I wonder what it would look like if I were on strike, and went to the grocery store without abandon, picking up delectable fruit that is out of season, buying whole milk instead of nonfat, didn’t think as I picked up every single item before putting it in my cart, “Is this the best price for this? Where might it be cheaper? Do I have a coupon for this?” What if I didn’t even bring a list, I just bought what looks good, what I think I want and what makes me feel good…..

I wonder if I went on strike as a mom, and for one day could live in my shoes as the woman that I once was- first of all the shoes would be a pair of 4-inch red Christian Louboutin stilettos! My nails would be freshly manicured, toes brightly pedicured, darling Dana Buchman pantsuit freshly pressed from the drycleaner, where all of my laundry comes to me in perfect paper-wrapped bundles, or hanging on hangers. I would be holding my perfect little Franklin planner in one arm, and my coffee in the other, just picked up at the nearest espresso bar, and into Nordstrom I would walk, as the Regional Training Director for Southern California, to a job that I loved that I was very, very good at, that I was very proud of. Where I had intellectual, stimulating conversation with other adults every day, luxuriously long lunches with co-workers, happy hours with martinis nightly…

I wonder if for one day, I didn’t wonder if I was a good mom, or doubt the way that I’m parenting my kids, or wish that I could do more for them. If I were on strike, I wouldn’t have to be torn over my daughter starting Kindergarten this year not knowing how to read already like all of the kids that have been in preschool for two years before starting school. Or if I’m discipling them too much or being too hard on them, or not hard enough?

I wonder what would happen, if just one day I were to be on strike?