Wow- how I have missed writing! Thank you for all of your kind words, or even just wondering, “when in the hell is that gal ever going to write again”? I could blame it on my working too much, or I could blame it on my bout with anxiety and panic attacks, or I could blame it on the simple fact that I’m a crazy, busy mom with very little time in between shuffling my kids, working, being a wife, and all of the other roles I play in my life. But the simple truth is, if one of my best friends, who has twin 6-month old boys, and a three-year old boy can find time to write, then I have NO excuse! So, here I am, back in the saddle!

Though much has happened since last I wrote, there has been nothing I have been wanting to write more about, than the pole-dancing class I went to for my girlfriend’s birthday! There were twelve of us ladies, mostly all moms, mostly very suburban, typical “Soccer Moms”, pretty bobbed blonde hair, velour Juicy tracksuit, conservative- you know the type. So, we drive to what looks like an office complex in a very non-descript area of Redwood City, and walk into an office, where we could see beyond the front desk was a Pilates studio. Non-threatening, no big deal! Then we walk into the next room, which was literally a room full of floor-to-ceiling poles! Right as we walk in, the instuctor (Shelly) greets us, as she is hanging upside down, legs spread-eagle, half naked from the first pole as you walk through the door.

If you’ve never seen “Soccer Mom Shock”, it is funy as hell to witness in person! It’s when a pretty, sweetly conservative, suburbanite mom sees something that is “shocking” to her, and her recenlty Botoxed forehead can’t even stop the knee-jerk reaction of her eyebrows slightly arching, while her neatly pink-and-white manicured nails cover her Lancome Juicy Tubes-laquered mouth as a barely audible gasp emerges… it’s classic!

While some of the women recovered from their “Soccer Mom Shock” ordeal, and were still struggling to wrap their minds around what was happening in front of their eyes, a few of us reveled in what was sure to be a raunchy, in-your-face, play-by-play instruction manual into the sordid world of stripping and pole dancing. Being a belly-dancer, I have brushed shoulders with many dancers from, shall we say, “other genres” of dance. So being in a room full of poles with a barely clothed woman was no big deal to me, but for some others- it was quite out of their box!

At this point, the instructor uninverts herself on the pole, glides down effortlessly, lands in the splits, wipes down the pole with a cloth and some sort of  stripper pole cleaning solution, stands up and introduces herself as Shelly. My first thought is “Shelly”? Is that her stage name or her real name? Shelly is stunning- abs that you could bounce a quarter off of, about 12% bodyfat, every muscle defined, very impressive, and yes, a tad intimidating.

She begins to instruct us through a very benign, simple warm-up, and then BAM! Whips out the good stuff….”Ladies- this is how you do a lap dance!” Nervous trilling laughter ensues amongst the Soccer Moms, as myself and the two other more “wordly” women think, “Now we’re talkin’!” Shelly asks us to partner up- one woman is the “Dancer” and one is the “Person” (being a customer in Shelly’s case, being a shell-shocked, sex-starved husband in some of the Soccer Moms cases). I partnered up with my girlfriend, who is thankfully as open-minded, expressive and adventurous as I am. The other Moms partnered up with eachother nervously milling around the room, laughing quietly. Shelly bellows to the room, “Dancers, slowly slither up to your Person, walking very confidently and slowly!” I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to “slither” very confidently and slowly in 6″ platform heels before, but it’s no easy feat, I’ll tell ya! “When you get to your Person”, Shelly continues, “Drop down between their legs onto your knees, and show them your there for THEM. Insist your presence!” This is where a couple of the moms literally jump back, do the Soccer Mom Shock and gasp combo, and shake their heads. ‘Their poor husbands”, is all I can think. But I ignore them- I’m here to learn! I wobbily “slither” up to my friend, my “Person” and damn it, I insisted my presence! I even got into it a little leaned over my “Person” and gave her a great cleavage shot, thanks to the couple of swigs from a flask of what I’m pretty sure I determined was whiskey from one of the other gals in the class.

After lots of giggling, some nervous laughter from the other Moms, and being taught some seriously sassy dance moves, we moved onto the POLES! Shelly taught us about different ways to stand in front of the pole, then moved into how to spin. It was a blast! I had bruises on the inside of my knees and thighs for about two weeks, but it was well worth it- I would do it again in a heartbeat!

About two weeks after our class, my girlfriend who’s birthday we were celebrating at the pole class, and I, were at a Girl Scout field trip to the fire station. We were the two naughty girls in the back of the class, snickering and giggling everytime the fireman talked about the pole in the firehouse, and showed the kids how they slide down when the bell rings, etc. Finally, as we were leaving, and all of the kids were outside of earshot, she quips up to the cutest of the four hot firemen there that day, and says with a wink, “We know how to do that!” Yes,  we do…….thank you, Shelly!

A couple of weekends ago, the Husband and I had a kidless Sunday (thanks, Grandma!), and we went waterkiing with some friends of ours. As I was sitting on the back of the boat with my beautiful fellow mama friend, I noticed her perfectly flat, tan stomach, her very well-crafted breast implants, and couldn’t help the knee-jerk reaction to be a little self-concious of my own bod. Yeah, I’ve faired pretty well for two kids, I can’t complain. But, if I had $10,ooo to do a little post baby body renovation- you bet your bottom dollar, I’d find a way to make good use of it! Another thing that caught my eye on my friend was her perfectly smooth, no red bumps, flawless bikini line. Now- if you’ve been a cherished reader, you know that I am slightly obsessed with finding a way to rid mine of post-shaving bumps and redness. I have tried EVERYTHING!

So, I ask my friend, how on earth she has no bumps or redness- surely she’s had thousands of dollars worth of laser treatments. “Nope” she says. Waxing? “No way- that hurts!” She replies. This I know firsthand (see my post titled “ the Brazillian Wax Incident”) . “I tweeze”, she admits. “Like your eyebrows? With tweezers? Really?” I ask, skeptically. “Really.” She assures me. “The whole thing? Doesn’t that take a long time?” “It does, but it’s worth it!” She says, and I believe her. The proof was there, afterall.

So, the next week, I hold off on my girl-part grooming regimen, in hopes to copy-cat my friend and tweeze my area to fuzz-free, bump-free perfection. The day before, I had talked to my Aunt on the phone who had told me about this cream called “Bikini Zone”,  that you could buy at the drugstore, supposed to help with the redness, irritation from waxing or shaving, or in my case plucking. Got the kids to bed, the Husband fell asleep on the couch watching COPS- this is my opportunity. Armed with tweezers, Bikini Zone, and a generous glass of Merlot, I trodded off to the bathroom to begin my masterpiece. Since, I received no specific instruction, I decided to follow the logic that I learned from my other bikini line grooming catastrophes- start outward, work inward. Good advice, whoever came up with that, because the outward doesn’t hurt too much, it’s when you get to the inward, that hopefully your glass of wine has hit ya, because you’re at the point of no return…you’ll end up looking like a boiled, pink, bearded clam- surely not the look you were intending.

So, outward to inward….I commence. Not too bad- things are moving a long smoothly- very little pain or discomfort is occuring so far. About an hour into my journey, my back is a little stiff, my hand hurts from tweezing, so I get up to get another glass of wine, rally, and get back to work, thinking I was half-way there. Let me teach you something about the female anatomy, if I may. In God’s great creative design, the tiny hairs on the outer area are fewer between, and much less painful, then the ones more inward. In addition, as nature intended, the more inward is a more “slippery slope”, so to speak. Tweezers have a tougher time tweezing. Now what do I do? Off to grab another glass of wine, and think of a solution. Think, think, think….Baby powder would work! I look all over- no baby powder. Damn. What else….when my kids had diaper rashes, my mother-in-law always said to use cornstarch- that must soak up moisture! So, I grab a box of cornstarch, do a dusting of my area, and we’re back in business! Yeah, it hurts like hell at this point, yeah my neck is twisted and my body contorted trying to reach myself, but it’s all for good reason, right? Sexy bikini line is within my reach! Four hours, a bottle of wine, a half-box of cornstarch, and a twisted, pinched-nerve riddled neck and back later…I have finished. I laquer on the Bikini Zone, and pass out in my bed, still covered in cornstarch (this didn’t even phase the Husband- he’s totally used to my shenanigans by now).

The next morning I wake up, realizing that there are several patches that in my wine-dimmed haze I thought I nixed, and didn’t, and it took yet another hour of painstaking tweezing. The whole effect was pretty good, still red and bumpy, the first two days, then all started to sprout back within a week. So overall, not my answer to bikini hair removal. After the $18 bottle of wine,  $160 chiropractic bill, and five plus hours of discomfort, and at least one solid hour of pure torture, I’d rather pay $50 and have someone rip it off all at once (which I’ve never had done yet, but you know when I do, I’ll tell you all about it)!

And a small disclaimer about the Bikini Zone…it works pretty good. However, I do not recommend applying the product right before any sort of naughty activity…it contains Lidocaine. In other words, if you do not heed my warning, you will hear the words, “Honthy, I can’th feel my thongue!” Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Being a full-time stay-at-home Mom to two kids, plus working full-time as a bartender, moonlighting as a bellydancer, and being a writer/editor of a website for other kick-ass moms, can really take it’s toll on a gal! If anyone knows what it feels like to multi-task, wear many hats, and try to “do it all” all the time- it is me! But- I don’t do it alone… the Husband helps me tremendously, as do a few of my favorite wines, my girlfriends, and of course a few tips and tricks that keep me going. I’ll share a few of those with you- anything I can do to help your day go smoother!

Trick #1: Nutritious snack bars for the kids and for yourself. I prefer CLIF Kid Z-bars: Super healthy, organic, no trans fats or high-fructose corn syrup, and they taste good! I keep a stash in my car for outings, when the kids are freaking out, because they’re hungry or bored, and I don’t want to drive through McD’s for the third time in one week! I also keep a stash at home for a healthy snack as we’re all making a mad dash out the door to get my daughter to school on time. For myself, I prefer Detour protein bars: Low sugar, lowfat, high fiber and protein, and if I imagine really hard, and I’m hungry enough, I can convince myself it’s a Snicker’s bar!

Trick #2: I don’t have time to go to the gym, nor can we afford the added cost of a gym membership right now. So, I keep a library of assorted 20 and 30 minute workouts on DVD, and I pop one in first thing in the morning to rev up my energy, burn calories and add strength and tone to my body. Since I get bored easily, I like to switch them up. Here are a couple of my faves:

 Both workouts are 30 minutes or less, and I see results, even though I only do them three days a week. Plus, both women are inspiring without being annoying. It is also good for my kids to see my effort in being healthy and active, and they enjoy crawling under me when I’m doing a “bridge” or they play with my hand-weights in between sets, which I allow them to do, until they start swinging them at eachother. Leading by example to have a good body-image, providing entertainment for the kids, while keeping me in a bikini for one more summer- a definite win-win situation in my book!

Trick #3: Certain Dri deodorant and anti-perspirant:

 Not that I’ve ever really noticed sweating very much, but I tried this little gem, and I don’t sweat at all…even after working out, at work, or dancing- never! Plus- if you shower the night before, and put this on right after- it lasts into the next day, saving you an extra step in the morning. Plus- you will never check your trendy turtleneck for emberrassing underarm spots, because there won’t be any! I also like that it is unscented- no “flower meadow” or “spring rain” powdery smell to interfere with my Chanel perfume!

Trick #4: “Fake Tan in a Can”: Every woman would love to know the answer to the question, “How do I lose 5 lbs. in 5 minutes?” Here it is- fake tan in a can! It contours the definition of your muscles and highlights your curves and makes your boobs look bigger and sexier- sounds like a girl’s best friend to me! There are many options from drugstore to salon, from $8 to $38- I’ve tried them all. The trick to all of them is to make sure you have exfoliated your whole body, do not apply body lotion before applying the tanner, wash your hands, and let your body dry at least 15 minutes before getting dressed. I don’t care if the can says “dries quickly”, wait the full 15 minutes! I have dressed too quickly only to discover later that my bra has soaked up the tanner, and now I am left with half-moon, pasty- pale crescents under my boobs- not so sexy! Learn from my mistake.

I hope that at least one of my tricks has helped you to become a sassier, sexier, more confident Mom-on-the-go! Stay tuned for more tricks this Halloween season! I’m full of “smoke and mirrors” tips and secrets, and will be sharing more soon…